Birthday is overrated.

Last 19th January was my birthday and I decided not to make a big deal of it since it was at the end of my final exams period so everyone were so busy and occupied that I can't really get my hopes high in term of the celebration.Yeah. I even hide it from facebook because I see no point in being happy with all those expected wishes thanks to the Zukenberg's brain. So on that particular day, I was lucky enough to received some wishes from closed friends and a cake from dad. Um,it's pretty much the same compared to any other days, nothing special. So here is where my over-thinking brain cells come in action. I started to think to myself, what's exactly the point of celebrating birthdays?, are you obliged to get plenty of wishes from friends,pranks or some special outings, a glorious cake with your name on it, a party or such? and how about if you don't get any of these?why would you feel sad and down?. See what I mean? So here I've listed few situations that you and I could relate to.

A: " Shit it's 12 am, I need to send her a birthday wish right away! "

B: "You know guys,it's her birthday next week, what should we do?"

C: " *pandang jam* Mannn, I forgot her birthday.Nvm, I'm gonna pretend like I remember and wish her at  

     midnite and tell her I wanted to be the last. "

D: "*few days later* *text message received* *open* [Hey, did you wish her?] *yeap,you're fucked*"

E: "You know,we're not even close but hey happy birthday may god bless you i love you bla bla bla times infinity"

I once had a classmate in high school whom his family never celebrate his birthday,not for once for reason he won't tell me. So, we have this tradition nahh, more to like a practice that we'll buy a cake every month to celebrate our classmate who was born on that particular month. So when it's his month, we don't really do much just simple gathering in the class during prep malam with snacks and drinks and of course we sang the song to him and some others I can't remember.But he was happy that night.

The whole point of celebrating someone's birthday is to remind him/her that he/she is somewhat important and that his/her existence is cherish. Everybody knows that and I bet that's why when someone close to us forgot our birthday we get upset and feels as if we were let down. 

I remember not long ago when one of my housemate's birthday is coming, I get all excited so I planned the whole surprise thing with some help from my other housemates. We keep it a secret because that's the point of surprises,right? We bought cupcakes, eggs and even a gift. Idk, I just always have this urge to make someone feel special,remembered and love on their special day especially good and close friends. So when my birthday come, I had hopes which I shouldn't because I know I will be let down. I appreciate that they bought a cake for me just the fact that they had me drive to the shop and even borrowed my membership card and afterward still trying to hide it from me which is ridiculously impossible since I'm the driver so jyeahh. Despite the unexplained feeling I pretend like I didn't know till the clock struck twelve. I know I should be grateful that they're willing to do all that for me but despite it all, I was let down. Why? Because for me, if I really matters to them or if I am somewhat important to them they'll be willing to do more not just here's your cake,happy birthday,and we're done attitude. That lead me into thinking, no matter what I do, I'll never be good enough for anybody to appreciate me that high and I am proven to be not that significant.

On behalf of the people who never get to celebrate their close friends' birthday just to make sure they know that they matter and on behalf of people who forgot to send out birthday wishes to people who are important to them, I would like to apologize. Because me myself can't promise that I can be the perfect friend who remembers and has the ability of a fairy. Sometimes I have problems like family stuffs, money, time or distance so I failed to make you feel special and reminds you of how important you are to me. But from time to time I try to improvise, give out a redeem tickets or a privilege to forget my birthday in case I did forgot. And this year, one of my bestfriends seriously using that privilege so haha on me. 

Among the best of my birthday moments was this one time in high school. I sleep early with a heavy heart that night because I know nothing special is gonna happen. But I was awake to a group of shadow people singing the happy birthday song to me and handing me something soft in heart shape. I was surprised and that probably was the most decent birthday I've ever had. And one more during my foundation, when I actually give up on the whole idea of celebrating my birthday but the two of my sidekicks with their party spray can once again lighten up my world. I once again matter to some people. 

January 19,2013 I was at home not really feeling well, my cake melted and I have to put it back in the fridge myself and wait, cut my hair short which I regret a lot and I'm old and boyfriend-less. Thanks for all the wishes but no I didn't have a blast.

My 22nd sucks a big time.Not so happy birthday to me~ 

Mika, please come back.

This is Mika,my favourite pet ever.

In fact, when I look into his eyes, I've never see him as a pet, I see him as a friend.My best friend. 2 nights ago, I decided to take a short nap and let him sleep in my comforter. Oh did I mention he loves being in there? Once I tuck him in there, he'll stretched his legs out and sleep. He hated his aquarium, so that's why I always take him out of it and only put him back when I'm away or when I'm about to fall asleep. That curse night, I was just petting him and let him slide back in his comforter to sleep cuz immediately after, he seemed sound asleep. That's particularly why I didn't put him in his aquarium. Over 30 minutes later, I woke up only to find that I lost him for the second time and probably I have lost him forever.

I've search the entire house, my friends even help out but nothing. No sign of him or anything,gone. He vanished just like that.As if somebody has kidnap him or something. It has been 3 dreadful days. I'm also running out of tears and what worse is I have a killer paper to sit tomorrow. Prayed to God, done solat hajat, istikharah and everything but no luck. I realized that I shouldn't be too sad about this since everything on this earth belong to Allah and I mustn't get too attached but guess I love Mika a little bit too much now. 

I'm not sure whether to lose hope or keep on hoping that he'll come back but it's been 3 days, I'm scared he won't survive. Mika, please come back T_T

Relationship?NOT for me.

2012 menandakan (kejap nak kira) masuk 4 tahun solid aku single *insert forced smiley face*. Meaning to say, lagi 2-3 bulan aku dah boleh buat sambutan genap 5 tahun.Hip hip hooray!

Tau apa yg paling sad when you are boyfriend-less? It's every time you meet new people and they decided to ask you about your non existence boyfriend and when you replied 'I don't have one,' they laugh in disbelief and accuse you of lying. Every time that happen I really really want to punch them in the face.I'm 21 you asshole, I don't keep my status a secret like a highschooler. Tau what is the next sad thing when you are boyfriend-less? It's when you gather with your best friends and everyone of them is in a relationship and they show you pictures, share relationship tips behind your back and even non stop texting or calling around you. That's like rubbing dirt on your wound. and those are just 40 percent of what I had to deal with everyday in my single life as a 21 years old.

Sampai at one point of my life, I started to think what is wrong with me? Sebab almost everyone at this age is already taken or at least have met someone they like or like them back but not me.Okay,this is not supposed to be a sad,pity seeking post but why the hell my eyes are all watery?

So I look at myself and come out with few reasoning. First, I think it was my face. But that could not be it since even someone uglier than me could score more than 1 boyfriends. and I manage to get some head turns sometimes and that shameless annoying 'phewwit' sounds. And I have someone said to my face that I'm pretty(this is not bragging its for making myself feel better). So,not it.

My problem is,when a guy like me I don't always like him back. Like this one guy I'm holding as baggage, named Mr M.He's alright,I guess?But the spark is not there.I know people say the sparks are just made up story and stupid but for me,the chemistry is everything. You could have a perfect guy standing before your eyes but when you both talk and there's no connection between you, sekaya mana, sekacak mana pun tak pandang punya.kan?

Another problem is, when I've finally found a guy who likes me and we got that sparks and all, at some point, he started to retreat. You can see that he obviously notice that you want him but keep you guessing and waiting. This kind of guy? if he isn't shy he is not a keeper. Why? While keeping you waiting, he actually surveying another girl in case he'll stumble upon someone who is better than you. and being a second choice or a paking spare part is not included in my tolerance kit.

I've watch my friends yang in relationships semua and I hate it what they've become. Ikut every words yg their boyfriend said, can't even berenggang to spend time with friends and being all cheesy all the time. Not to my interest. Well, I know those are pretty normal if you're head over heels over some dude but I can't afford that.I don't want to be that.

I remembered making doa to God not to meet me with my soulmate till I'm ready. Chances are, He heard me. At times, I wish I could undo the doa but most of the time I'm glad if it was really granted.Why?

Because I'm one of the foolish girls who would give everything when I'm in a relationship. Being with someone we love will make us better in every way like when you have a boyfriend you might do well in your study since you're always happy but not me. I'm the type of girl that if I'm in a relationship, I started to ignore everything, be bad at everything because all I could think of is that person. A love life would ruin the rest of my life. I guess there is people who was born to be alone. Because I have to choose. How could I sacrifice everything for unsure love? I can't.

"Nevermind, maybe you haven't met the one yet" is what I've been hearing setiap kali aku mengadu about not having one. Yes, tak salah alasan tu,but bagi aku if it's correct why aku tak feel better? Feel me,bruh? When you give an advice, you're suppose to include 'it's alright' feels to it and provide encouragement words plus some hope. See,simple.

So,I told myself it is something that is true and will happen.just not to me. Things will happen,but not to me. I set my standard to damn high because I strongly believe I worth that much and I won't ever settle for less,won't ever. Even if it's mean I have to live alone all my life,so be it.