Listen,

First, yes Beyonce did inspired me for the tittle.

Second, i don't really expect anyone would read this (yes of course,except for my life time stalkers), sebab 

*sigh*

Thirdly,don't bother ring my parents or 999.

yah, whatever!

People usually becoming this wretched when it's Monday but as for me, everyday is Monday! Guess what? No doubt i'm in a very suicidal mood right now. Believe it or not, each of us had at least once in your entire life feeling like killing yourself. That's sure is a fact!... that i've just made up.HAHA. Shamelessly speaking, i have tried so many 'tricks' back then. Cutting off wrists, stabbing myself with broken bottles (in the stomach area on a weird-paddy fields'-machine), holding my breath (this one deserved a LOL), summoned demons (oh,this one too!), and everything else a teenage girl could ever done. Seems like i failed quite a lot,huh? Ouh,Ouh! i suddenly curious of how can i kill myself painlessly!!! O,Mr. Google...Help me out here,please?

Mr. Google just gave me links to websites of "Ways of committing suicide painlessly " 

And i thought i was the only one.

Well, mostly suggesting drugs, carbon monoxide inhaling, shot in the head, you know, those stuff i couldn't afford to. Guess, God wanna keep me around a little longer.pffttt.

People always goes around saying:

Oh,Fynn,she's a strong girl,demonic,heartless,and persistent.

Laugh out most of the time,

Of course she's doing fine,why bother ask?

  Having this darkest secret which i never tell any living things on earth buried in my chest is like having an invisible arrow shot and stuck on my heart,...or liver.I don't know...

I desperately needs to let it out, but my guess is nobody's listen.

No one wouldn't want to.

I've been judged all the time,

not to mention the on-going misinterpretations,

desertions.

To top these up, yet another so called catastrophe is bugging me.

Not that i've decided to be a lesbo or such but when you're nineteen and you are still spouse-less, everyone around you will start poking their nose in our personals!

Asking me suspicious and yet tricky questions,

Throwing me smirks and speculations,

Making stupid conclusions.

God, even my mum!

She's been nagging for all my life and i don't think she'll ever stop.

You see, i'm just not the kind of girl moms would want to have.

I do things my way,

I hate being told what to do,

I'm rebellious.

Nevermind, i can't blame her.

Your life is empty,you don't have this, you don't have that, you don't even have a boyfriend.

Curse it. WHY?

I've been dealing with this for the toughest three years of my life but when i'm least expected, those homosapiens who thinks they have the right to bug with my relationship status bring it up straight to my poker face.

It hits me hard,indeed it did.

Tell me,

Which girl at my age don't want to have a super charming boy head over heels on her?

To have that someone that she could think he is her soulmate?

Having pictures all over facebook, changing the status and gets people jealous or either clicking the 'like' button?

just by thinking of these tempts me.

But who am i?

to ever defy the fact that,this bastard i've been waiting for is going to be late?

the fact that boys nowaday are hard to believe?

the fact that:

none is interested.

none catches my eyes.

i got much more to think of rather than this.

me not being pretty,girly,attractive,and fit enough.

well,at least these i can come up with for now.

So i came up with these ;

they did a very good job indeed, as distraction tools.

some said i'm desperate,

some said i'm obsess,

some laugh and even impress.

funny though that some even believe it.

says you!

as for me, i created some delusion, with some-some of hallucination of me loving those top stars so that i won't bother looking for boys.

Surprisingly, it works!

the problem is, i'm spending too much time online.

pathetic!

Take me away,

i needs a getaway...

I hate my high school friends,i really do.

ThankGod some of them is still trustworthy.

Up until now, i've been worrying about tolerating,being considered,

but i'm done being nice!

In the end,i'll be treated like trash anyways.

Toss around.Deserted.Forgotten.

Why is it i'm so messed up?

I'm beginning to think that there's something wrong with me.

well, i figured it quite a long time ago.

Now,come to think of it,my mum is right,

My life does empty.

I've heard it somewhere,

Before we were born, 

We had been shown of how our life going to be if we choose to live,

all the ups and downs of life which lays ahead.

Then,we decide to be born or not.

I seriously don't get it why i said YES.

Would it be different if there's no me?

HAHA!wow.tahniahlah to whom yang willing to read this far.

It's either you really care for me that much, just can't get enough poking around my life, the needs of stalking or you really are listening.Forget it.No worries, i just wrote this as a practice. You know, i'm thinking of being a novelist.yahh,right~