Unfriend.

I miss a friendship I had with multiple someone but I donʻt think it can ever be how it used to. This is probably not the best solution but it's all I can think of. I'm trying not to blame it all on you people, maybe it was me. Maybe I am the bad friend and maybe I'm the one who had change. But hey, whatever. I'm tired of being the friend who does everything for other people, but when I need you, you're not there for me. I guess, I just care too much for people who don't care at all about me. 

You've finally got a boyfriend,fine.I'm jealous yes, but I'm happy though for you. I try not to go around you too much saying, 'hey wanna hang?' or texting you all days,nights,weekend just trying to find a shoulder to cry to,no I don't. I hate to be that kind of friend who suffocates and clingy. People don't like that,I know. But, once in a while, when I texted you, call or anything I would expect a little more nicer respond than hours of time taken for a reply and your snob I-got-a-boy-and-you-don't-so-get-lost-attitude, old friend. Personally for me, a reply text messages really means a lot to me. Because, if I don't get one back from you, I thought you're dead.

And when I got your back,I kind of imagine the scene in X-men Origin where wolverine and his bro were doing back to back. You know, I got yours, you got mine? My bad, I watch movies too much. Hence, I tend to take life seriously. When, something is going my way instead of yours, if you could see the expression you had, I swear you'd go "Mother of..Did I look like this all day?" Rewind.That time what did I do? Did I do hula in front of you saying, 'bitch, why serious?' and left? or did I just ignore you and said, 'fuck it'. I had this thing in me, hopelessly faithful. That, I would like to change. Because, now when I'm on a windy road, you just laugh on my sadness and ignore. So much for a friend.

and, when a friend trying to pick a fight with  me just because of a lame, duniawi kpop group who depends on looks,have zero abs, and stereotyping my course like a complete asshole,

'nigga, you can kiss my ass'.

It hurts me to write these bad things,that is why unfriend is the ultimate option. No worries, I will forever make you vague and anon. I love you, and having you as friends is beyond amazing, but at the moment, you're being the pain in my ass. When you've finally brokenhearted, got stab in the back or old enough to be called mature, you know where to find me,ya.

The Mean Manager.

Twice,I had a job and guess what I learn? 

If you wanna be a very good worker,you gotta be a very good ass-licker.

I don't know what else to write regarding the tittle. It simply sum up everything I wanna say. I happened to work at a place which own a motherfucker freaking bitch as a manager whom everyone(almost) loathe and talk about everyday. I don't want to be racist or anything but, my chinese boss was never anything like this one. Always torture people, work unprofessionally, pasang spy like fucking paranoia, always outing at working hours and when she does come back, screaming at people to do their jobs while she's the one who never had. Making people cry, feeling like shit, talking low of others, pick up on a weaker man, stereotyping people with degree, do bad things to others and then saying things like, "yang ni lah kau nak rindu nanti". 

"Really,bitch? you think so?REALLY?"

Here's the thing, last night marked twice I cried because of this biatch.

A week ago, I sent my application for a 3 days leave. I don't really expect for it to be granted by the head quarter,never. But I must be that lucky, I got it. Since yesterday is the last day I'm working before the leave, she had me doing every tough tasks and said : "hang kan nak cuti,kenalah buli sikit!"

Damn bitch, acted as if it was my last freaking day. First, suruh aku jaga department lain since short staff, dah tu suruh aku handle department yang bukan bawah aku, which is department yang memang dari dulu lelaki yang handle.FUCK. Those customers yang saw me sweating like a pig angkat carpet and such pun tanya why diorang tak letak lelaki jaga department ni? Then she told me to do cashier thing even orang lain dah check in masuk. Then screaming around calling "Fina!!" buat ni, buat tu, buat tu lagi. Even dah malam, kena sapu sampah, buat notis just because nak perli aku sorang je! Dah tu, even nak tutup still cari mistake aku macam ci to the bai weh! Last night I cried so hard, put Taylor Swift's "Mean" on repeat and I think to myself, 

someday I'll be living in a big old city,and you're ever gonna be is mean. and pathetic, and a liar and alone in life, a mean. :)

Oh well, be ready to accept my resignation letter pretty soon, asshole.

The result sucks.

Specially dedicated for those who's eager 'till it itch to know my friggin' result for the passed semester.

I could never have done this without you.

Thank you, thank you.

Well, you probably can tell from the tittle.Yes,I bet it sucks and I guess I own the trophy now. Look at me,look at me, ranting about the same old thing again. That's right,tarik nafas lega sebab aku tak dapat DL lah, result tak cun mane, cuma tak repeat, itu saja.

Well. itu saja the only thing that hold me from the damn noose atm.

Bleughhh.I'm sick of these morons keeps on bragging at my face about their I-can-tell-people-my-result-cause-it's-gooooddd-and-in-return-you-should-tell-me-back-too result. You know what,this ain't high school no more,grow up girlfriends :) 

Anddd,on the other side of the whole thing. I'm glad I don't have to commit suicide for getting below 3 pointer. I know my mum will never let this go easy on me,that's alright I'm kinda used to it. Well, at least I have JPA at my back. They even sent me a letter to congratulate me on my 3.1 pointer marked as excellent achievement. a big juicy LOL.

Dan macam biasa, 

bahawasanya aku berjanji dan berikrar akan berusaha bersungguh-sungguh dan lebih lagi, bla bla bla...

(most of us can probably memorize this already.smirk)

I did some extra effort, it didn't shows this time. The End. Oh yes! that's it. This is not the end.

Cause it sucks to be me right now.

Friendship is like a glass of water.

Aku dah penat cakap yang aku lelah sungguh dengan perangai manusia.

sick and tired.

and sebab aku juga sama manusia

,aku pun tak terlepas buat perangai taik.

Betul lah orang cakap,semakin banyak kita belajar,semakin banyak ilmu yang kita tak tahu.So does friendship. Semakin ramai kawan kau ada, semakin sikit kawan yang sebenarnya ada.Well,that if you know what i mean lah~

One type yang paling famous and bersepah-sepah sekarang ni is the type yang,

"Oh hi! I only exist when you need something"

Selapuk mana pun idiom, 'a friend in need is a friend indeed', sampai bila bila kita boleh apply. I'm sick and soon to be immuned kot by friends yang kalau ada masalah sikit,kalau takde kawan lain or something datang menjerit-jerit 'Fyynnnnn!'. Masa tu aku lah kawan baik,akulah tempat mengadu. and then,tak lama lepas tu,when the wheel turns upside down, bila dia dah comfortable,ada teman lain, kau ingat nak ke,hingin ke dia nak pandang muka ketat aku ni?Haiiii,lalu sebelah pun tak perasan bhai~

#2 This type of friend yang pentingkan reputasi dia kat mata lelaki.

IDK why tak pernah orang ever bring up issue ni.Maybe sebab sangkut sensitivity kot?Ha...ni dia Fynn si mulot capoi nak habaq p.Dah korang semua anggap aku ni tak bermaruah sangat,kan?

Reminisce balik,pernah tak kalau korang ada problem dengan boys,especially kalau boys yang famous. Ada kawan baik kau tu nak backing kau ke? Kalau tak dia suruh kau mengalah, dia diam je. Dengan anggapan,malas nak campur, nanti networking dia dengan guys tak smooth. Those girls yang depan lelaki bapak lah angel,sengih bak perempuan melayu terakhir,orang tu suruh tolong buat assignment pun tak kisah.Pergghhh.Hebat lah kau,lelaki!

#3 The friend who beat your ass without reason.

and this is jyeahhhh, P-R-E-C-I-O-U-S.LOL,okay I'm just fooling around,I'm not this pervert usually.Well,just to ease the tense.Tak perlu nak makan dalam sangatlah, kalau kau tak buat tak perlu sakit hati,kan?

and banyak lagi type tipikal kawan ni sebenarnya,and unfortunately I can't think of and tak dapat lah nak increase amount of haters lagi dah.That is why, ever since 17, I never believe in this thing you people go around assuming as if it was pure friendship. Because,at the end of the day, haha, you know what happen.

For those who happen to have friends who never left your side,always back you up, cheer you up, doesn't look down on you and talk behind your back, I fucking envy you.

154 So I'm the bad guy now.

I don't hate you, I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.

It's shamelessly awkward that most people tend to see me as the bad guy.

You should all know that there's always two sides of a story.

Eventhough I don't blame you for getting manipulated that easy,

I'm sorry for once I thought you people are wiser.

Too-went-tee

Bang! It's 2011 and I'm perfectly twenty.Gahhh~ Just lose the number '1' in front of my age and it kind of making me sick. Dua puluh tahun hidup, what was it all about? I don't know? I might say tons but I also feels like telling you, none. Get it? Get it? Alrightyyy, obviously I'm having yet another crisis. Do you know, that crisis when you hit certain age in your life that you feels things is not as what it used to be? When you look in the mirror and think your butt looks completely hideous? So, yes that kind of crisis is totally raining rocks all over my brain. Exclamation mark.

Apa guna blog,kalau tak tulis,kan?So ayuh, countdown!

#1- Everyone else seems so young!

It's a serious aweful to walk around and feels like as if I'm a grannie!!! For crying out loud, I'm 2 freaking ty! or 20,jyeahhh. But why does suddenly every waiters, cashiers,etc start calling me 'kakak'?? But that's quite tolerable though, but when things seems like what worst could happen, then there are underage boys.

 Note this, I AM SO EFFING MAD THAT WHENEVER I HAD MY EYES ON SOME CUTE GUYS,THEY TURN OUT TO BE LIKE FEW YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME!!! Oh yes, I'm so not going to get married or even afford a bf.Thank you, thank you so much. Adult sucks much.

#2- I came to know how real friendship works.


I learned a lot about friendships. I lost people that were once my best friends. I lost old friendships that I thought would last beyond high school. People I once trusted ended up showing me the opposite. Although I lost those people, I also built more valuable relationships with the people who stayed. I kept the friends that really mattered. I gained stronger friendships with people who were there for me. I realized that besides family, I only have a few people I can truly rely on, but that's okay. Having a huge group of friends isn't that great when most can care less about you. In the end, having a few valuable friendships with people who really have your back is always worth so much more.

#3- Being a public figure is so disgustingly low!

Why,yes indeed! I used to think it would be great if one day I get to be famous that I own millions of fans worldwide and everything.I mean,how cool is that? But recently, when having this shitty copycat-girl who is so damn awfully clingy and rude and started to use me as a sample in very much everything especially style and clothing, I feels like I'm about to go insane that I think I might poop in her hand! OHMYGAWD. I mean, do you really have no sense of style at all that you really have to copy my outfits and attire or do you really think I'm that dumb not to notice your shameless doing? Hey, for the record, those clothes looks better on me. In your face,sunshine!

#4- Boyfriend,boyfriend and the list goes on~

Mum keeps on bugging me with this heavy predicament and I'm not liking it. Yes, I do have like banyak lagi friends all around me who is still single but when the pressure is up, with this kind of face and figure, I'm actually starting to accept the fact that i would die single,no love at all. As pathetic as it may sound to you who read, try put on my shoes.I'm putting white flags paint all over my face now.

Oh,how I wish I'm a unicorn.or a gummy bear. yeah,that will do.

p.s. :guys, if you came across this post or any in my blog,well do me a favor. Leave a comment or at least like it or something.It feels weird having 200+ followers and didn't get any.You know what I mean? It won't hurt your pride or anything,but I'll sure thank you in advance :)

Bang bang you're dead.

I really wish I could axe some of my friends right now.

Because I don't think shotgun is suffix.

Funny,dulu siap mengaku adik beradik,

now satu kepala pun tak nampak.

Birthday aku pun tak ingat kot?LOL.

 Lepas tu,sorang sorang buat hal,sekarang tinggal seciput.

Tapi tak apa. 

Ciput ni lah aku sayang.

Ciput ni lah yang setia,

yang ada susah senang,

yang bukan parasit.

Semua dah tak sama,

Things change,people does too.

Suka hati aku.

Kenapa?

Senang aku nak kelas mana jalang dengan jantung.

:)

Nothings personal.

Ini lagu kasi dengar,khas untuk kau yang terasa.

You know guys, when you say something offensive or something I don't like,

outside, I'll be like

but really,inside I'm like

Come on man.You can't go around hurt peoples' feeling regardless of how perfect you are. I know you might think, "Ahhh...this girl don't even reach my standard, so come, pandang slack dekat dia" Some people will just be like,

but hell yeah, not me. I don't understand why some people always think that they are the best,like they know it all.Even if they read this,they'll be like "What the fuck Fynn?". Hey,people is not that hard to read lah. It is such an eye sore to see my friends go around me saying 

"Fynn, kau tak reti masak,you're a loser"

"Seriously kau tak reti tu? tak reti ni? Seriously?"

"Kau tu gemuk,lain lah"

"Gila boros kau weh,dah habis duit biasiswa kau kerjakan"

"Kenapa kau tak study weh?"

"Kau ni asyik gelak je,asyik enjoy, tak fikir masa depan ke?"

"What! Kau tak kenal dia?where have you been?"

"Why kau tak join tu,ni,segala?"

"Asyik bangun lambat je,apa nak jadi?"

I mean seriously, korang kawan dengan aku sebab apa sebenarnya? No wonder it's always hard nak nampak muka sekor-sekor masa aku susah. Cuba masa tengah happy,tak da kawan, time tension, asal asyik bersepah je kissing my ass.WHY,sunshine?

Ye,kau lah terbaik, kau lah miss/mister perfect, kau lah hebat. Aku loser, pemalas, tak reti masak, cgpa tak 4 rata macam korang. Yelah, life is all about cgpa kan? About reti masak and not about rajin kemas, barang tak bersepah or keep down to earth. 

You know what? Nevermind. In the end, you will judge me anyway, so whatever. At least, do me favor. Don't shows up in front of my face everytime you're in for some fun. I honestly pity you. Why so afraid of having fun? What is it always has to be about, I must work my ass off and stick with people of my standard or better so that I can drive luxurious cars, own a mansion and make 5 digits payroll in the future? And even if you don't like me that much, stop insulting me as if i don't have feelings.

I'm fine with it sometimes. I just put on my straight face, curse and write a post for you,yes I would. BUT, what if I've been so fucking depressed lately? What if I'm very fragile inside that I can't stop thinking about what you said to me. What if I can't stop thinking about things that people say about me? Then I will be very low and think of myself of dumbass and there's no use for me to live anymore and I kill myself. Then you'll have to live with the guilt for the rest of your life. Lucky, I will just fucking hate you and making this special entry for you but not everyones like me. So,stop doing this to other people. It's not worth it. I myself knows what I'm lacking of.Yes, I do. You don't have to add on the pain by saying it out loud, I'm not stupid. I gained nothing from what you have given me except I now know the world is not all beautiful and fair.

I know,this post will be ignore. Nothing would ever change.I know,I know.

I just need an artificial shoulder.

This happens just everytime the new semester begins. I'm beginning to think  just can't figure out what is wrong with me. Setiap kali buka semester baru, rasa macam tahi, macam outcast, macam underdog segala. Maybe it was just me. But this time,dengan segala macam dugaan, SCLC lah, rumah sewa,kelas and everything buat aku rasa macam nak quit.

Tapi when in time like this, it will be much easier if I have my friends all around me. To comfort me, telling me everything will be fine or maybe help me out. Now, nak mengadu dengan orang masalah apa pun berat hati. 80% would not care,and the rest would be glad I'm having problems. Well, reality bored me. Some dah missing in action, anothers just pentingkan well being masing-masing and others memang totally don't care. So,I think it would be much better if I could just swallow those problems to myself. 

fucked up already and it's not even a week.gee,thanks 2011.

I wanted to cry.I really need a shoulder, an artificial shoulder. Because it won't talk back, listen attentively and the best thing about it is, it stays.  

Can a human marry a ghost?

I think too much about this man,

Why the hell do I have crush on a super cute hopeless romantic dead guy?

I scare myself,even.

So for hours depan laptop, I'm like staring at this

for God knows how long.

p.s. don't haunt me.

Robbie Williams sangat memahami gua.

If only crack is allowed, the word depress won't even make it in the dictionary.

Sumpah aku cakap,aku tak reti nak bagi semangat pada diri sendiri,nak beritahu diri sendiri yang everything will be okay. Sebab for these passing 19 years, in every step that I took, the phrase doesn't work its magic. Doesn't matter how much I try, how much hardships that I'm able to endure and banyak kali mana sekalipun I look back and say, I did it, at the end of the day 99% of the lifetime, I keep on failing.

Robbie cakap; I just wanna feel real love in the home that I live in.

Sebab dia faham aku. Oi budak over reacting kat atas,what will you do if I say your teeth won't grow back?HAHA.Rasa nak lempang je,sebab tengok kau, best gila sebab the only thing you're worrying about now is how to keep on seeing dentists for kau punya Youtube channel. Takpe,tunggu nanti bila kau kena deal with stress and everything.

Bila kau check result sem 1 kau dan rasa macam result kau paling rendah dalam dunia. Aku rasa bodoh nak mati. Mum will go on about how me not studying and her constant predicament of me not going to maktab whatsoever. Friends will go like,'she's not that bright,afterall'. Top scorers will be like, 'jyeahhh!I ace it,and I don't give a damn to people yang might hurt bila baca status fb or blog aku pasal how well I did it'. Not to forget,those yang ' ouh,yes!result aku lagi better from dia,weh.suka!'Yang paling expected is, the so called families,close or tak will start comparing you and everyone else from the roots yang sits for final exam as we all took the same course,share the same brain, having the same fate and everything.Typical.

Otak aku tak dapat kira kira matematik,otak aku slow,I can't focus! Nak buat engineering, takut nanti tak dapat bawa. Cikgu? Kau dah fikir habis ke, tanya soalan ni bhai. Sebab tu aku buat law,sebab I somehow stupidly think that I might ace this.Which obviously turn U-GLY when last week I got only 3. and C+ for the subject which I got the highest carry mark.Kalau boleh,sana sini aku nak point fingers,except for the mirror. 

1. Korang rasa different lecturer, ada possibility untuk ada different judgment tak?Macam if another lecturer mark your paper,you'll get higher.Sebab kawan kawan yang selalu datang tanya kau bila tak faham boleh dapat tinggi?ada possibilty tak?
2. Sebab orang lain dapat soalan bocor,so boleh ace.ada possibility tak?

Yes,kalau boleh semua orang aku nak salahkan. Mungkin sebab law is one tough course yang this is the normal pointer that people ought to get, maybe because of some hidden help(if you know what i mean), or maybe it's just me.

I just need someone to tell me that he believe in me and that I can do it and this is just a mere dugaan from Lord and I'm actually better than everyone else.

Even if i don't

Result sem 1?

Okai,aku check lambat dari orang.

buka emel,tengok,

DAMNNNNN!

what the hell?

apesalsubjectyangakutargetdapatmacamtaiklasial???

grrr

kenapa bukan tort?kenapa mesti MLS?whyyyy

aku salah jawab paper ke ape doh?

bodohsia kau,FYNN.

Yes,still thankful sebab tak perlu repeat and dpt 3 pointer above.

Tapi still KENAPA weh!

seniors cakap,once part 1 u tak boleh bawa,sem depan akan drag.

damn it!

Whattaffak.

Hati,tolong sedapkan sendiri,purrrlease.

Now,how nak bagitau my mum?

I just rape the replay button.

Lagu ni best dan maksudnya dalam.

Selamat mendengar.

Macam mana nak define everlasting friendship?

dengan gathering yang semata nak tayang di fb kah?

dengan selalu lepak bersama,

texting dan asyik on phone.

Itukah cara kita bela persahabatan?

Hati terasa bila ingat janji sekolah menengah dulu dulu.

Konon kita kawan sampai mati.

Sekarang?

Kau asyik dengan mereka,

yang dapat keluar selalu,

yang selalu 'in' dengan semua.

yang selalu in touch.

Ini semua klise as it may seems.

dulu yang janji 5 juta,

yang stay kini 2,3.

Untuk yang tinggal,terima kasih.

Sebab erti kawan tu menjangkau salah faham,

melawan sengketa kita,

dan tak pernah henti dengar ngilai tawa realistik.

F thing.

yes,

from the very littlest thing.

Mati lah T-T

I just broke my laptop punya screen.
shoot.
matilah matilah.
why,God,why.

i need help :(

Ye,aku gatal.

Out of semua benda kat dunia ni,

why ayam?

why?

why!

I'm allergic to AYAM.

NICE.

buhbye KFC,

buhbye RADIX FRIED CHICKEN

buhbye CHICKEN CHOP.

Tell them

Tell them aku tak berani mana,

tell them jangan tiru aku,

tell them this

They think aku berani gila

they wanna be me.

Aku berani cakap,

aku berani beritahu,

aku berani confess,

aku tak pendam,

aku boleh baca,

aku boleh agak.

Tapi,

Aku takut nak rasa,

aku takut yang sebenar,

aku takut realiti,

aku risau apa yang aku boleh baca,

aku seram apa yang aku boleh agak.

Tell them realiti bukan macam ni,

Tell them aku penakut.