Same old shit.

Before this, I was okay though I keep on complaining every now and then about not having a boyfriend or keeping my single friends from getting into a relationship so they won't leave me forever alone. But I was okay. Kinda close to perfectly fine and  near to the corner of comfort. But the thing is I was okay. and to be able to say I was okay is priceless and now something somehow starting to bother me. If it was another girl, this is supposed to be all sweet and dovey-shit but I ain't another girl. My stupid insecurities, mad paranoia and every inch of my nebula-sized mess is going up against me. Even the slightest move can ruins everything. Absolutely everything. 

I always hate this part of me, the weak part of me. GOD,Fynn you're being such pain in the ass right now. Please please,you can stop reading by now. Because I had a vision that I'm about to blurt everything out like moron anytime soon. Excuse my insensitivity about having some privacy or whatever society tends to judge these days. I tried talking to friends but it's not working. Not that I don't trust them but me,constantly talking about this trying to find out what to do,how to do and everything just scared my sanity away. Their positive advises and sky-high motivation is not what I crave for. I want reality, I want support system that will tell me to stop and to give up that funny thing called hope. Or try make things right. or at least, lead my mind back to its old place. Where I believe, it belongs.

Maybe I'm just scared that for once there is actually people who wants to be with me. Scared that maybe there is actually someone who would love me. Because the idea of someone liking me is too scary that I came out with billions of mind-killing excuses in order to walk away. I over analyze things too much. I'm just afraid to let my guard down. I can't because once I rest my shield, he'll leave. People always leave.

I need more. I need him to prove me trust. and determination. which I can say,too vague at the moment. 

Henry Gurney,be nice to me.

So, right about lagi 6 hours, I'll be off to Henry Gurney. Bukan check in ye, but for a program by SCLC, a society of my faculty. It's like a visit or something, alah you guys should know. There were times when we're in school and banyak abang-abang handsome and kakak-kakak from university datang and bagi talk and some kind of motivation punya games and everything~ Ring a bell,tak?Yes, now it's my turn to be the fasi. Mannnn...I'm not going to lie, I'm nervous. Screw politeness, it's a jail for God sake! No, I'm not worry about being killed or raped or something because, logically thinking, there are guards everywhere. The things is, I really hope that they won't be staring at me thinking, "what the heck is this girl doing??". You know what I mean?I can't believe I'm saying this but hell I wish their offences doesn't change their child attitude.

Dulu,when I was a kid, I remember being told that Sekolah Henry Gurney ni is build on an island.ISOLATED. and they even have big sharks surround it. Yes, I know. Turns out the one I had in my mind is Guantanamo Bay.I was a kid,mannn! So, I always thought that it was in Penang but seems like Malacca,it is. Rumah for those girls pun dekat Melaka,right? Why is it Malacca being so nice,really?

Arghhh...I'm over 18 now, I can't go murder someone and get away anymore! T^T Hey, on second thought, badass is always on grab kan?HAHAHHA.Luckily, we all have been warned not to...how should I say this? flirt,around? Too bad ay? nevermind. Bald people is not my type,anyway.(exception to Dwane J)

I don't believe in judging people. i honestly even loathe those people yang always look down on other. This is the main reason I want to go there. I wish to tell them not to listen to unworthy human being who tend to have low standard but to deep echo in their heart. I also believe that there's good in every men hearts. Alah, you look down on people yang commit rape, as if you never have that kind of lust. You feel gross to those yang kill people as if you never feels like give a shot in the head to some others. We all have that. What makes us different is, they gone a bit astray. And remember dear fellas, there's always a way back. And now, we even have GPS,guys.

Omaigawd, I'm so excited about this that I might even write a book.LOL. Anyway guys, wish me had a great time there later so I could write pretty things to you :)

p.s. this is one of my wishlist which came true.thankyou,Lord <3

I just move in meh!

I think I should rather use period than exclamation mark,don't you think guys?Pffttt...Ah,korang~ So today

1.1.11

I've finally move in rumah baru! Bilik baru,actually.I can't afford a 1k rent at the moment. So there was some shitty misunderstanding and trouble through the moving my ass process but I'm all armed. Let's just say I've been the opposite of lucky since forever. Nevertheless, I got almost 78% done with stuffings, and I really really like the whole new atmosphere of my BED. 

I'm so calling this my hive.Hint, the bee hive shapes all over bed sheet,people? It's a double decker, and I just effing remove the what you call this? penghadang dekat tepi yang prevent people like me from falling double decker.Alah, you guys should know well.I hate that! Whenever I try to climb up, it just give me the look that says 

'hey baby,climbing up your cradle?'

I mean wattafak? I'm like 20,dude~ So,that's my bed. Roomies? Aina,the classmate,koko-mate and the one who's gonna smell my farts-mate will be here on second. And the other two...who cares? Housemates? Who cares.

See the light? It's not that bright, it's yellowish. The most FAB in my room currently! And there goes my Tidi tak malu nak enter-frame.menyampasss 

Did you see this!did you,huh.did you?? The effing fan is just right above my head. So,if I wake up in the a.m. and decided to yawn or anything,how meh? Dammit, I should tell mum to buy me million dolar health insurance. And,can you see Tidi's ear there?HAHA.she just can't make it in!muahaha

the super dope bathroom in the room!

Seriously, Tidi?

and here the window.I like it very the muchos. Got some English sense and I can watch stars on earth(lampu) from there.My kind of smoothies.

Yes, aku sangat bengang when I found out yang I'll be in a room of 4. Mad like hell. But, my thought went down to Palestin,Africa, and I was like;

It's either you cope or you drink coke!

And,I decided to cope. :) And and! I totally like the consolation prize,the hunk pak guard.danggg!

My 2011 resolutions!

Oh don't get me wrong, dear hardcores of whatever in between, I'm a muslim yes,I know what awal Muharram is, but I also acknowledge new year. Bukan by clubbing till dawn, countdown at metal's group concert, or keluar date (konon romantic) on new year's eve. Not like that. But I enjoy fireworks,though. Afterall, I'm a teenage girl regardless of the fact that I'm getting into 20's soon (dammit),right people?All I'm saying is that, I don't see no wrong in going around telling people 'Happy New Year'!

Throughout 2010, I've been through lots of shits, craps and pricks. It's real world,who's to blame,kan? BUT, I can't believe it I'm saying this. BUT,those are the things that made me into me. Simple say, 2010 sucks to the fullest. Maybe this is a wishful thinking but I'm hoping for a better 2011.So hey, be nice.

# 1 Internet less.Study more

I don't know how on earth does I'm gonna nail this,but I did put this as priority no. 1 though.LOL

#2 There will be more days on which I don't give a fuck.

Tudung looks like shit?

Assignments still to do?

Bitches trying to make me mad?

Friends start giving me their new drama?

Some jerkass trying to tell me that I'm accomplishing nothing and should get a life?

#3 Ending 2011 single.

I did it this year,and I can do it again. Yes, there will be plenty of meaningless crushes that gonna seems like the one, but they are crushes, meaningless and temporary.

#4 I will start to look on the brighter side of things

#5 I won't hate myself for the imperfections

#6 I won't slack off in class...maybe just a little

#7 I'll appreciate my parents more

#8 Cry less.I'm 20

#9 I won't get butt-hurt over silly things

But, most importantly,

#10 I'll let go of the past

Oh,lupe,

"Have a great 2011"

I hate kissing butts.

What is wrong with being yourself?

What is not good in stating out your opinion?

What is awful rather then not being able to be yourself?

Tell them

Tell them aku tak berani mana,

tell them jangan tiru aku,

tell them this

They think aku berani gila

they wanna be me.

Aku berani cakap,

aku berani beritahu,

aku berani confess,

aku tak pendam,

aku boleh baca,

aku boleh agak.

Tapi,

Aku takut nak rasa,

aku takut yang sebenar,

aku takut realiti,

aku risau apa yang aku boleh baca,

aku seram apa yang aku boleh agak.

Tell them realiti bukan macam ni,

Tell them aku penakut.

Notify me.

Dah,nak tutup case.

Mr ChubbChubb,i want you to be just a passing phase.

Sebab i know,you are not here to stay.

If one day, she let you slip away.

Notify Me.

Boyfriend orang,memang terbaek!

Yah,aku tend to suka boyfriend orang.

Keji kah?

Aku tak pernah rampas,okayyy!

FINE!

Tak nak suka anyone anymore!

Habuk pun tarak~

Makan hati je all the time 

Tabi,stay with me,please...

OMG,i think i'm gonna cry~

Hey,how's life?

Greetings all!Lama rasanya dah stop posting. Well, what do you expect, university life is hectic,even tak semua subjects lecturers masuk kelas but there are tons of benda alah to settle.HAHA. Let me list out lah! I want to burden u guys too!

• Completing and submitting PTPTN application (which took me months!)
• Completing my student file (which full of ridiculous demands)
• Applying [JPA and Bank Rakyat]'s scholarship (which come to think of it = worthless effort)
• Registering courses for this semester (i hate my new student ID!screw numbers)
• Paying my college's fees, in total of RM420! (why give me a room for two!GOD)
• Sign this,sign that,go here,go there,shit this,fuck that~~~

So how?Can i compete for the President's seat yet?HAHA.Well,i guess semua orang tahu how i hate to be here dulu kan?LOL. I did type dulu for reasons. I don't know, time to time, i'm starting to like it here. My classmates are crazayyy!OMG,i'm sooooo loving them! You know, it's indeed very pleasant to have jokers around stressful days :) So far, i'm just sticking close to Hajar (my ex roommate) and getting to know Aiman (she made me call her Iman and i'm like the only one!) better. Others? Not bad lah,i can joke and be myself around them but i wish we could be more natural and in sync at times.No awkward moments and faking laughter anymore.HAHA.i'm kantoi-ing myself like stupid,now!Hushhush! And,,, i really really dislike people who don't remember my name!Daaa,like it's that hard?F to I to N! and to the A for lecturers.lmao~

Roomate?Ou, she's fine.We had a talk just now, with a friend of hers.Budak baru datang Shah Alam. I'm not surprise bila mereka complaint things and sighing over expenses and other snob and bitch-liked students. Well, buat apa nak berlagak sombong, kita semua sama saja,kan?Can you believe it? Fynn really sounds optimist and this is like D most impossible thing most likely to happen in universe!HAHA. exaggerating much?What happen?

1. I can finally be myself around people! yes, the sick-and-weird me.
2. I can HUHA all dayyyy long~
3. Offline life suddenly feels good.i know,right!
4. I had a bunch of my high school's clique around here!!!
5. i had my cousin staying on top floor ^^
6. My timetable is working with me!EFFICIENTLY <3
7. Muka-muka yang *&^# dah tak kelihatan around faculty!HEAVEN on earth.
8. I saw lots lots lots of cute guys!suka!suka!sukaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
9. For some reason, i had better social life.rotfl

Seven's enough.Oh!oh! Here, I also took Japanese! Sebenarnya banyak konflik these kiddos masa nak pilih third language that day. Mandarin lah, Arab, France, but very few yang nak Japanese.HAHA. why? Mostly like 2/3 nak Mandarin,kononnya might be functional for work,yadda yadda yadda~  So, why i took the path less travel by?

1. Note that I live to be different.
2. I already had some basic in Japanese back then in high school.*credits to Ooi sensei!
3. Budak tak ramai dalam kelas, MUCH BETTER.
4. I already ada 4 law subjects yang need strong reading and memorization, plus that Tamadun Islam and Asia, why burden my brain while i already have some Japanese in my hard disk?
5. Based on my 3 years study dulu, observation and everything, apa yang we are about to learn is only for beginners, so, u really think it might be functional for work?LALALA~
6. I have to be independent in this class since Hajar and everyone else are in Mandarin or Arab.
7. I like my new Sensei!
8. Ouh, i LIKE refresh button! (what the heck?)

Above all, my life is turning WILD again. and I'm thankful and glad.Let just hope it'll last :)

p.s. i HATE this new Kemahiran Insaniah thingy!troublesome.

Degree,literally means GOODBYE to life.

This is no joke.

This morning i had this session with the Dean, Lecturers and those MPPs from law faculty. How was it?

Phewwwww!

Sigh

*deep breath*

OMG! Everyone was like trying to scare the hell out of us!

With the THS and everything.

Talking about how bumpy the journey's going to be,

telling us DIRECTLY in the face how tough is it,

that only few,REAL few would succeed to take it to next stage,

which is LLB.

Three years,guys.three damn years i have to forgone all the 'lagho' thingy for the sake of the unseen yet blurry future....Thanks to the seniors for such a great session, though it was a bit boring but hey! i LOVEEEE the joking side of you guys!haha.(p.s. i know u guys read this!HAHA)

Well,we all need some humors to go along. ;D

i was shaking through out the day not only because of the north-pole-made-of-air conditioner which situated directly above my head, but the hidden message which is supposed to be hidden but everyone was going around whispering it out loud!HAHA.it's a wake up call,i shall say,kan? Muka masing-masing sumpah kecut! Yayyy us!That shows, courage okayyy :)

i can just hope that this is not only a flash in a pan caue i need this like real badddd!

Oh!oh! Did i mention i got a room of 2 people?Spooky isn't it?

Class arrangement worked with me. I guess lucky me for being special case,kan?HAHAHA

and yes, kemahiran insaniah thingy! I HATE being an experiment!!!

Say, WELCOME to Merbok's students and those abang tentera too!

Gambatte for BLS!

Ahoy, orang kampung!Aku ada berita gembira ni!

[Sila kelik untuk tumbesaran gambar]

Alhamdulillah, syukur kepada tuhan, after all these heart-wrenching incidents, finally, here's the end. Which mean, suatu permulaan yang baru bagi aku :)

Well, i didn't get UKM, sebab masalah sana-sini, so there goes my Syariah study. Mungkin Tuhan nak aku handle kes civil saja,kot?Who knows?HAHA.Okayyy, daftar 2 July, which is in a couple of days! Barang apa tak beli lagi, thankgod x-ray tak perlu!

And yes of course, juta juta terima kasih kepada kawan-kawan and those yang secara lansung or tak lansung yang tak jemu encouraging me and for believing me too much!

One last favor,guys? Doakan aku berjaya habiskan degree ini dengan super duper cemerlang! And lastly, semoga aku dapat cope dengan top scorers di UiTM sana.AMIN.

Oh my, aku sangat lega dapat sampaikan berita ni pada my parents.

Hilang satu beban =_='

Oh,boy!Oh boy! i have mixed feelings about this.

One more thing, pssssstt!

Tak perasan ke? Blog I dah transform,YOU!HAHAHA...

Changed for good,i'll say :)

Cantik tak? Okay tak? or burok?

Let me know please........

Above all, selamat tinggal tears day!Welcome happy day!

So,sebab aku super happy and bersyukur, next post aku akan ajar cara nak lawakan FACEBOOK anda!

nak tak?nak tak?

contoh 1

contoh 2

contoh 3

 yes, aku addicted dengan header baru,so jadi la kau background facebook aku!wakawaka!

Anyway,make sure anda semua ada Google Chrome,okay!

Not so good news.

Mari mari, dengar ini cerita!

Poyo weh...

Ok, mostly dah tahu condition aku yang tak berapa nak senta these passing days. Sebab kejadian lahanat tuh. And, of course aku tak terkejut lansung when it turn out this way. Agak pathetic and totally predictable. Dah,dah. Stop kutuk,already.Nanti tak pasal aku ada fan page free kat FB.

Okay,here it goes.

UiTM akan serap masuk 16 people.Before this i thought all together 20 orang yang kena,idk what happen. Itupun doesn't necessarily including me. 

My heart says: Terima kasih saja lah labu!

My head says: please let me be among those 16~

Stupid fynn!

Thanks to Hawa for this infos. So, by next week baru dapat tahu whether i will make it or tak. So,marilah tunggu beramai-ramai!

My plan?

I thought if dapat masuk UiTM, i shall go and wait sampai keputusan rayuan UPU is out. and if i get lucky, by any chance of course, i wouldn't hesitate untuk melarikan diri ke UKM. UNLESS, the second intake session is differ from the first.faham tak?Nevermind. tak penting .So,keep our fingers crossed yah~

Now, my hommey is in complete chaos. Mum and Dad bising pasal how it is expected and keeps on telling me to redha,redha and redha. Unfortunately, i am not that person of "okay,i accept". Nahhh.I shall berusaha mati-matian sampai i get what i deserved. i always get what i want. It will be just a matter of time and how.

You wait~

Listen,

First, yes Beyonce did inspired me for the tittle.

Second, i don't really expect anyone would read this (yes of course,except for my life time stalkers), sebab 

*sigh*

Thirdly,don't bother ring my parents or 999.

yah, whatever!

People usually becoming this wretched when it's Monday but as for me, everyday is Monday! Guess what? No doubt i'm in a very suicidal mood right now. Believe it or not, each of us had at least once in your entire life feeling like killing yourself. That's sure is a fact!... that i've just made up.HAHA. Shamelessly speaking, i have tried so many 'tricks' back then. Cutting off wrists, stabbing myself with broken bottles (in the stomach area on a weird-paddy fields'-machine), holding my breath (this one deserved a LOL), summoned demons (oh,this one too!), and everything else a teenage girl could ever done. Seems like i failed quite a lot,huh? Ouh,Ouh! i suddenly curious of how can i kill myself painlessly!!! O,Mr. Google...Help me out here,please?

Mr. Google just gave me links to websites of "Ways of committing suicide painlessly " 

And i thought i was the only one.

Well, mostly suggesting drugs, carbon monoxide inhaling, shot in the head, you know, those stuff i couldn't afford to. Guess, God wanna keep me around a little longer.pffttt.

People always goes around saying:

Oh,Fynn,she's a strong girl,demonic,heartless,and persistent.

Laugh out most of the time,

Of course she's doing fine,why bother ask?

  Having this darkest secret which i never tell any living things on earth buried in my chest is like having an invisible arrow shot and stuck on my heart,...or liver.I don't know...

I desperately needs to let it out, but my guess is nobody's listen.

No one wouldn't want to.

I've been judged all the time,

not to mention the on-going misinterpretations,

desertions.

To top these up, yet another so called catastrophe is bugging me.

Not that i've decided to be a lesbo or such but when you're nineteen and you are still spouse-less, everyone around you will start poking their nose in our personals!

Asking me suspicious and yet tricky questions,

Throwing me smirks and speculations,

Making stupid conclusions.

God, even my mum!

She's been nagging for all my life and i don't think she'll ever stop.

You see, i'm just not the kind of girl moms would want to have.

I do things my way,

I hate being told what to do,

I'm rebellious.

Nevermind, i can't blame her.

Your life is empty,you don't have this, you don't have that, you don't even have a boyfriend.

Curse it. WHY?

I've been dealing with this for the toughest three years of my life but when i'm least expected, those homosapiens who thinks they have the right to bug with my relationship status bring it up straight to my poker face.

It hits me hard,indeed it did.

Tell me,

Which girl at my age don't want to have a super charming boy head over heels on her?

To have that someone that she could think he is her soulmate?

Having pictures all over facebook, changing the status and gets people jealous or either clicking the 'like' button?

just by thinking of these tempts me.

But who am i?

to ever defy the fact that,this bastard i've been waiting for is going to be late?

the fact that boys nowaday are hard to believe?

the fact that:

none is interested.

none catches my eyes.

i got much more to think of rather than this.

me not being pretty,girly,attractive,and fit enough.

well,at least these i can come up with for now.

So i came up with these ;

they did a very good job indeed, as distraction tools.

some said i'm desperate,

some said i'm obsess,

some laugh and even impress.

funny though that some even believe it.

says you!

as for me, i created some delusion, with some-some of hallucination of me loving those top stars so that i won't bother looking for boys.

Surprisingly, it works!

the problem is, i'm spending too much time online.

pathetic!

Take me away,

i needs a getaway...

I hate my high school friends,i really do.

ThankGod some of them is still trustworthy.

Up until now, i've been worrying about tolerating,being considered,

but i'm done being nice!

In the end,i'll be treated like trash anyways.

Toss around.Deserted.Forgotten.

Why is it i'm so messed up?

I'm beginning to think that there's something wrong with me.

well, i figured it quite a long time ago.

Now,come to think of it,my mum is right,

My life does empty.

I've heard it somewhere,

Before we were born, 

We had been shown of how our life going to be if we choose to live,

all the ups and downs of life which lays ahead.

Then,we decide to be born or not.

I seriously don't get it why i said YES.

Would it be different if there's no me?

HAHA!wow.tahniahlah to whom yang willing to read this far.

It's either you really care for me that much, just can't get enough poking around my life, the needs of stalking or you really are listening.Forget it.No worries, i just wrote this as a practice. You know, i'm thinking of being a novelist.yahh,right~

3years:Shall i rest my case now?

Ok, frankly, siapa yang pernah bercinta more than 3 tahun?

Wahh!Hebatlah korang!Seriously...

Em, now how many of u guys yang pernah ada crush to this same person over 3 years straight like i do?

Angkat tangan cepat!

Last Q, anyone of u yang tak bertepuk sebelah tangan and mission accomplished?

*mood hilang sebentar disebabkan Mukabuku*

Ok,as some of u guys might notice,i'm totally not a quitter. If i want something i'll go for it. 

Tapi, 3 tahun babe...Lama tak lama?

Nak tahu kisah dramatik tu,baca ni :

Sulur Galur Crush Saye!

Sampai at one point of my life i knew i had to put an end to this.

Mesti korang tahu betapa penatnya rasa mengharap,kan?

 And sebab tu, i think finally i nak QUIT.

like seriously, white flag,semua!

Perasaan tu dah hilang,lama dah...

But i try hiding it before the BFF tittle.pffttt..

What am I thinking?

We've been friend and i guess i'm comfortable with it.
Honestly,he's been giving out signals recently,
over these past few months lah...
but, rasanya lama sangat aku tunggu,
sebab i'm not happy as i'm supposed to,
dannn,what worse?
RIMAS lah!rimas!

Oleh itu,dengan senang hatinya:

I rest my case!

Sedikit nasihat: anda di luar sana,never scare to give other chances.sbb u never knew who loves u the best kan? To SA around the world: a tough determination can shaken up almost everything,good luck,ay!

Cliche'

Is there any paper stuck behind my head

saying ;

"TAKE ME FOR GRANTED?"

no?yes?*sigh*

but then,again...

i know where i stand...

i thot by being nice to others,

they will treat u almost the same.

at least CLOSE.

*long silence*

but,

sheet!

i'm hating the fact tat i always be the one who'd listen to u,

the one who always making u laugh like crazyyy,

brightened up your day,

wipe away your sorrow,

while,

i'm the one who needs to let things out,

the one who've been surrounded with tears,

one whom her day is gloomy,

and need a sunshine~

i try and smile again today,
so u will smile,
that person just constantly make u cry,
so i wanna make u smile however i can,
i'm in love by myself,
for me its so hard,i cant bear it,
but because you crying is worse to me than dying,
i smile again for u today...

i love u,because i love u,
because if u just exist, i'm happy,
though my heart aches,
i try and smile again...
like a person giving smiles,
like a person with no sadness,
today,
i try and cry silently behind your back again.  

though it's tough enough to kill me,

though it hurts like crazy,

i smile.

17 July 2017,be there!

17/07/17

wondering what's with the date?

got it?
yessss,my superduper FUTURE wedding ♥

ahaha!i know,lepas ni confirm kena bahan dengan budak kelas aku pasal nih, but nevermind...
dah memang tersangat kering idea untuk blogging!
so,teringat pasal planning aku ni,and i think it will be great if i could share it with u guys!
haha...how's that?*winks

shall we start with the jewellerIES? *grin

asal orang kahwin kan,sure pakai cincin,cincin,cincin...tak pon, gelang,right?
therefore,i want some changes! i demand for a necklace!
white gold with some diamonds on it will make it (;
p/s: im allergic to EMAS,white,xpe...lalalala

ouh,but that doesn't mean that rings are crossed out,okay?

which one is better,ay?

♥ u laa,my hubby to be!*winks


and the dress???

at first,i thought this will do,

but then,FYNN,ko orang Islam ke tak nih!!!
haila...haila...
so,i came out with these,instead ;

lawakan....
uhhh...rasa macam nak kahwin besok je!
purple untuk wedding at mine and gold at his!
SIMPLE.
2 is more than enough (:
i don't care,nanti, i nak exactly macam nih!
kalau tak,tak nak kahwin...hahaha

and,of course,
save the best for the last!
my pelamins....

how was it?

nice,huhhh?

i bet i did give some of u the feeling of early planning too,kan?*winks

not that aku gatai tak sabaq nak kahwin,its just i love to plan,

and i like everything's well organised~

and,,,otak aku memang selalu fikir jauh ke depan.

lalalala~

2017

by the time,i dah 27...

InsyaAllah dah settle chambering dah...

so,keeps your fingers crossed,

lepas  ni, tak payah susah buat kad dah,

repost saje!HAHA

*tolong amin kan...