Same old shit.

Before this, I was okay though I keep on complaining every now and then about not having a boyfriend or keeping my single friends from getting into a relationship so they won't leave me forever alone. But I was okay. Kinda close to perfectly fine and  near to the corner of comfort. But the thing is I was okay. and to be able to say I was okay is priceless and now something somehow starting to bother me. If it was another girl, this is supposed to be all sweet and dovey-shit but I ain't another girl. My stupid insecurities, mad paranoia and every inch of my nebula-sized mess is going up against me. Even the slightest move can ruins everything. Absolutely everything. 

I always hate this part of me, the weak part of me. GOD,Fynn you're being such pain in the ass right now. Please please,you can stop reading by now. Because I had a vision that I'm about to blurt everything out like moron anytime soon. Excuse my insensitivity about having some privacy or whatever society tends to judge these days. I tried talking to friends but it's not working. Not that I don't trust them but me,constantly talking about this trying to find out what to do,how to do and everything just scared my sanity away. Their positive advises and sky-high motivation is not what I crave for. I want reality, I want support system that will tell me to stop and to give up that funny thing called hope. Or try make things right. or at least, lead my mind back to its old place. Where I believe, it belongs.

Maybe I'm just scared that for once there is actually people who wants to be with me. Scared that maybe there is actually someone who would love me. Because the idea of someone liking me is too scary that I came out with billions of mind-killing excuses in order to walk away. I over analyze things too much. I'm just afraid to let my guard down. I can't because once I rest my shield, he'll leave. People always leave.

I need more. I need him to prove me trust. and determination. which I can say,too vague at the moment. 

Chin up,beautiful souls :)

Eversince I can remember, a lot of people has called me fat. Too many that I've lost count. and that doesn't exclude some close friends of mine. Yes, that makes me sad and NO I'm not gonna smack them on the head. 

I don't think that will solve their mental issues.

YOU, who constantly calling me fat, this is me being FAT.

and this is the actual me.

I might not have a skinny model-like figure or cheek bone,

but a reasonable man would know the different.

but then of course, retarded mean hearted people wouldn't get it.

It's alright :)

 For those people who had been called fat,ugly and million other horrible names by your own friends or strangers or whoever, stop being sad. Don't let those people affect your life. Instead,be glad because you, the most horrible person to their eyes never do most horrible things like them. Be proud because we don't need to use mean words to bring people down just to feel better about ourselves. Smile and chin up because our flaws are what make us different.

Fynn+Memalukan diri = Fynn

So,here's the thing. Haritu aku attended this one freaking boring event(formal,that's why) organized by Unimap. and I happen to have a friend studying there. and silly me, I thought it's such a good idea to let him know,

and then,one subject led to another~

Alright,the next comment from me did make me sounds pretty much like those gedix girls but, swear to God, 

I AM NOT.

what people can't see is, not too long after,this Azeril pm me and give me the guy's fb profile. and he keeps on praising him,cakap lucky me sebab dia dah kerja dgn unimap,etc etc

and then I said,

"LOL,aku suka tengok je.bukan ape pun~"

and then walk away.tak add pon,even.

but too bad, next thing I know,

and if you guys tak nampak lagi, here you go.

Busted,man!

Nice.

Dua hari tak online,pagi tadi lepas sahur, tersengih sorang aku.lol

and that's that.

Aku gila pelik ramai pulak strangers dekat wallpost tu.

sila observe mahlok mahloks yang like tu.

 Haha.For the first time ever, I'm glad aku budak uitm.

or else, dah jadi bahan dah :D

Oh btw,

*sinful giggles*

I'm a fan,that's all~

p.s. jangan cari pasal post benda tak sememeh kat wall aku pasal ni.

Cause it sucks to be me right now.

Rants:That time of the month.

If you know me best, you know that I'm like D most sensitive person ever. Even the littlest thing can hurts my feeling. I'm aware of that but unfortunately some people don't. And of course, they're making up my personality based on my look again and again. Instead of getting to know me deeper, they chose the shortcut by thinking or assuming the way I should be. Do you get me? Let me give you an example.

If I were to be conflicting with one of my friend and that stupid jerk bad mouthing me behind my back and people seems to believe them and then come up to me demanding for explanation, giving me the society's judgment and such,

A) people who really knows me will back me up and punch that bitch in the face,instead.
B)people who thinks they know me that well, will give a so-so pat in the back and say, 'things like this  
    won't affect you lah.you're cold'

See?Not only B type of people not making me feel any better,they hurt me even more. and then,just like that my whole day is ruin. I wanted to blame myself to be all moody and fail to control my own emotions but I don't know? Because growing up, I learn that friends supposed to be comforting me not acting like they care.Not acting. Ever heard of action is louder than words?

Yes, I'm that sensitive. and no, never does I'm ashame of it. Just because I act tough, doesn't mean I like people to come around me kicking and punching my heart like that. Quit taking me for granted. When I decided to not giving any fuck to you, who do you label bad friend,who sunshine? One more thing,

do you realize when  I actually exist?

A) When you're in trouble.Since I helped you once,you seems to be remembering me. Just everytime
     you're in trouble.
B) When there's no one else.
C) When you need something from me. Strong example : CAR
D) When I got good grades for the test.

and I bet you don't wanna know when I need somebody but no one is around,right?I'm going to list them however,jyeahhh

A) When someone says something that hurts my feeling.
B) When I'm in need for some encouragement.
C) When a burst into silence in the middle of laughter,THAT means if you are really blur that you can't
     tell, someone had said something wrong. Which as a friend, common sense requires you to say
    sorry or at least ask me is there anything wrong. NOT assuming that somebody who is in my shoes
    don't like to be disturb during that time and decide not to care about me and pretend nothing ever
    happen.

You know what? Well, I'm sorry I'm not born with a manual.

She's the type of girl

She is the type of girl you see laughing all the time, she is the type of girl everyone turn for an advice to, she is the type of girl who always let her two friends to walk in front and walk alone behind them whenever there's a narrow lane, she is the type of girl who always be the second guess, she is the type of girl who loves making her friends laugh and happy, she is the type of girl who smiles bitterly when her friends call her fat and ugly, she is the type of girl who laugh at the jokes which offend her, she is the type of girl who seems to be okay when people jokes about the thing that she has been insecure of, she is the type of girl who would rather push herself in front of the other, she is the type of girl who is not that significant, she is the type of girl that boys would never find attractive, she is the type of girl who looks good in the pictures, she is the type of girl who think she is strong, she is the type of girl who blogs about what's actually happen, she is the type of girl who hides,

SHE IS THE TYPE OF GIRL I AM.

Sometimes, I distance myself from people because I can either feel them forgetting me or not wanting me anymore. If they notice, I know I meant something but if not, I know where I stand. Though the results are always the same, I find myself more than a billion times on a position to be let down for.

and to those people who only realize that I exist when you need me,

FUCK YOU.

I'm not being selfish,

it just,

before when I was there for you,

I thought you would be here for me too.

I was wrong.

This is on my desktop background. 

Just to remind me every day that I don't breathe to server others. 

That if I live on trying to please everyone, I ought not to call it mine.

Friendship is like a glass of water.

Aku dah penat cakap yang aku lelah sungguh dengan perangai manusia.

sick and tired.

and sebab aku juga sama manusia

,aku pun tak terlepas buat perangai taik.

Betul lah orang cakap,semakin banyak kita belajar,semakin banyak ilmu yang kita tak tahu.So does friendship. Semakin ramai kawan kau ada, semakin sikit kawan yang sebenarnya ada.Well,that if you know what i mean lah~

One type yang paling famous and bersepah-sepah sekarang ni is the type yang,

"Oh hi! I only exist when you need something"

Selapuk mana pun idiom, 'a friend in need is a friend indeed', sampai bila bila kita boleh apply. I'm sick and soon to be immuned kot by friends yang kalau ada masalah sikit,kalau takde kawan lain or something datang menjerit-jerit 'Fyynnnnn!'. Masa tu aku lah kawan baik,akulah tempat mengadu. and then,tak lama lepas tu,when the wheel turns upside down, bila dia dah comfortable,ada teman lain, kau ingat nak ke,hingin ke dia nak pandang muka ketat aku ni?Haiiii,lalu sebelah pun tak perasan bhai~

#2 This type of friend yang pentingkan reputasi dia kat mata lelaki.

IDK why tak pernah orang ever bring up issue ni.Maybe sebab sangkut sensitivity kot?Ha...ni dia Fynn si mulot capoi nak habaq p.Dah korang semua anggap aku ni tak bermaruah sangat,kan?

Reminisce balik,pernah tak kalau korang ada problem dengan boys,especially kalau boys yang famous. Ada kawan baik kau tu nak backing kau ke? Kalau tak dia suruh kau mengalah, dia diam je. Dengan anggapan,malas nak campur, nanti networking dia dengan guys tak smooth. Those girls yang depan lelaki bapak lah angel,sengih bak perempuan melayu terakhir,orang tu suruh tolong buat assignment pun tak kisah.Pergghhh.Hebat lah kau,lelaki!

#3 The friend who beat your ass without reason.

and this is jyeahhhh, P-R-E-C-I-O-U-S.LOL,okay I'm just fooling around,I'm not this pervert usually.Well,just to ease the tense.Tak perlu nak makan dalam sangatlah, kalau kau tak buat tak perlu sakit hati,kan?

and banyak lagi type tipikal kawan ni sebenarnya,and unfortunately I can't think of and tak dapat lah nak increase amount of haters lagi dah.That is why, ever since 17, I never believe in this thing you people go around assuming as if it was pure friendship. Because,at the end of the day, haha, you know what happen.

For those who happen to have friends who never left your side,always back you up, cheer you up, doesn't look down on you and talk behind your back, I fucking envy you.

154 So I'm the bad guy now.

I don't hate you, I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.

It's shamelessly awkward that most people tend to see me as the bad guy.

You should all know that there's always two sides of a story.

Eventhough I don't blame you for getting manipulated that easy,

I'm sorry for once I thought you people are wiser.

The Hate Book

Due to some new nemesis, I'm going to reincarnate my Hate Book,the augustest!

I used to be such a bitch, and for a while, I thought I should stop,be a little bit human but turns out having this couple of nemesis being hit by a truck or sometimes being raped by a shark in my mind just won't do.just won't,I'm afraid.

One more thing, it really does sucks being the good guy. You just sit there, sakit hati and rasa macam nak cry my heart out because of anger bila kena buli by the so called inferiors. Seriously, good people, WHY! It feels much better to stand up to them, tak payah jaga hati, jaga reputasi, afraid of what other may judge you,urgh for crying out loud, forget it.

Why the sudden, Fynn?

#1 I'm no longer below 18,so if people get kill, I have death penalty waiting.

#2 I don't seems to have friends around me anymore to listen.

#3 Because crying isn't my thing.

#4 Curiosity kills the cats.and sometimes,humankind.

#5 I just had so many assholes to hate.

#6 I have to walk this world alone.

What will be in the hate book? HAHA. that's the point of the book. So, watch out guys. Whenever you saw me scribbling something now, onward, be worry :)

I'm not insulting you. I'm just describing you

p.s. hate me much?that's your fucking problem.Look at all the fuck, I'm giving~

Too-went-tee

Bang! It's 2011 and I'm perfectly twenty.Gahhh~ Just lose the number '1' in front of my age and it kind of making me sick. Dua puluh tahun hidup, what was it all about? I don't know? I might say tons but I also feels like telling you, none. Get it? Get it? Alrightyyy, obviously I'm having yet another crisis. Do you know, that crisis when you hit certain age in your life that you feels things is not as what it used to be? When you look in the mirror and think your butt looks completely hideous? So, yes that kind of crisis is totally raining rocks all over my brain. Exclamation mark.

Apa guna blog,kalau tak tulis,kan?So ayuh, countdown!

#1- Everyone else seems so young!

It's a serious aweful to walk around and feels like as if I'm a grannie!!! For crying out loud, I'm 2 freaking ty! or 20,jyeahhh. But why does suddenly every waiters, cashiers,etc start calling me 'kakak'?? But that's quite tolerable though, but when things seems like what worst could happen, then there are underage boys.

 Note this, I AM SO EFFING MAD THAT WHENEVER I HAD MY EYES ON SOME CUTE GUYS,THEY TURN OUT TO BE LIKE FEW YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME!!! Oh yes, I'm so not going to get married or even afford a bf.Thank you, thank you so much. Adult sucks much.

#2- I came to know how real friendship works.


I learned a lot about friendships. I lost people that were once my best friends. I lost old friendships that I thought would last beyond high school. People I once trusted ended up showing me the opposite. Although I lost those people, I also built more valuable relationships with the people who stayed. I kept the friends that really mattered. I gained stronger friendships with people who were there for me. I realized that besides family, I only have a few people I can truly rely on, but that's okay. Having a huge group of friends isn't that great when most can care less about you. In the end, having a few valuable friendships with people who really have your back is always worth so much more.

#3- Being a public figure is so disgustingly low!

Why,yes indeed! I used to think it would be great if one day I get to be famous that I own millions of fans worldwide and everything.I mean,how cool is that? But recently, when having this shitty copycat-girl who is so damn awfully clingy and rude and started to use me as a sample in very much everything especially style and clothing, I feels like I'm about to go insane that I think I might poop in her hand! OHMYGAWD. I mean, do you really have no sense of style at all that you really have to copy my outfits and attire or do you really think I'm that dumb not to notice your shameless doing? Hey, for the record, those clothes looks better on me. In your face,sunshine!

#4- Boyfriend,boyfriend and the list goes on~

Mum keeps on bugging me with this heavy predicament and I'm not liking it. Yes, I do have like banyak lagi friends all around me who is still single but when the pressure is up, with this kind of face and figure, I'm actually starting to accept the fact that i would die single,no love at all. As pathetic as it may sound to you who read, try put on my shoes.I'm putting white flags paint all over my face now.

Oh,how I wish I'm a unicorn.or a gummy bear. yeah,that will do.

p.s. :guys, if you came across this post or any in my blog,well do me a favor. Leave a comment or at least like it or something.It feels weird having 200+ followers and didn't get any.You know what I mean? It won't hurt your pride or anything,but I'll sure thank you in advance :)

Thank you uitm,I'm having the time of my life.

They ask, "Fynn,what happen?"

"I got in uitm,that's what happen!"

I can clearly remember the first shit that got me eversince. The train incident,remember? I have a hunch and I believe in it. Then Goblin, and then it spread. I worked my ass off days and nights, aiming to get the freaking hell out of here. I did it. I managed two effing semester and I know, I'll be free. Right then when I was dancing to the music gracefully, UPU showed up. Crash me into pieces,worse than heartbroken that suicide would be a meaningless joke as an option. Everything messed up, everything been brought up, screw everything. That time, I was thinking of running away from home and starting a new carrier out of the streets living or if I'm lucky I might have been kidnapped and sold to the rich. But silly faith keep me going, and yet I'm stuck in the same place for the sins of others. So there was BLS while LLB used to be so near. And now, the eff fucking house. I rent it. I pay for two fucking months and I don't even got a single key. I'm a law student who loathe prejudices and I also happen to study about human right in the constitution. So,when this shit keeps on pushing me from what I deserve, the flame just...you know,sort of turning real ugly. All I ask is pretty PLEASE duplicate the damn key and fucking post it to me. and I'll pay later. I'll pay double if money is what keep their brains disfunctional. If you guys are so full of the thought that I might steal your stuff or even thinking of arson, immediately slap your faces thrice. Rumah aku bukan around shah alam macam korang, and I happen to care about my mum yang nak kena hantar aku from perlis to shah alam by bus and terpaksa rush back on the next day since she has to work on bloody Monday! And you guys keep on fucking troubling me!

Hell yes it's a sloppy slope.

I'm emotional but I can think.

Do I blame uitm for those shitty things that never lay their eyes off me?

pffftttt...nooooo~

Can a human marry a ghost?

I think too much about this man,

Why the hell do I have crush on a super cute hopeless romantic dead guy?

I scare myself,even.

So for hours depan laptop, I'm like staring at this

for God knows how long.

p.s. don't haunt me.

Result sem 1?

Okai,aku check lambat dari orang.

buka emel,tengok,

DAMNNNNN!

what the hell?

apesalsubjectyangakutargetdapatmacamtaiklasial???

grrr

kenapa bukan tort?kenapa mesti MLS?whyyyy

aku salah jawab paper ke ape doh?

bodohsia kau,FYNN.

Yes,still thankful sebab tak perlu repeat and dpt 3 pointer above.

Tapi still KENAPA weh!

seniors cakap,once part 1 u tak boleh bawa,sem depan akan drag.

damn it!

Whattaffak.

Hati,tolong sedapkan sendiri,purrrlease.

Now,how nak bagitau my mum?

Pergi joli.

Last week,mostly budak sekolah aku kecah pasal gathering girls ONLY.Lepas ni berkejar lah paparazzi nak sergah blog aku ni.

Oh,hai korang!

At first memang aku gedik nak join tapi bila aku dapat hidu bahawasanya, si Pandi ni nak join,aku back off. Lepas tu ada lah,orang sana sini tanya.Yang tak pernah concern pun tiba tiba teringat kewujudan aku.Impressive.Bekas BFF pun text aku for confirmation.Mungkin mendambakan citra aku,agaknya.HAHA.

So,nah aku kasi reasons kenapa aku tak hingin berkehendak untuk join ;

1. Si Pandi - aku tetap rasa perempuan biatch yg memilih kawan based on looks and harta is murahan.
2. Still,si pandi.
3. Mostly BFFs tetap aku tak join pun.
4. Aku suruh buat awal,gedik nak postpone.
5. Fulus takdak.Hampa pakai rm 10,hangus aku nyahhh~
6. Afterall,tujuan gathering utk jumpa balik kawan kawan lama.Bagi aku,most of yang attending, dulu masa sekolah,korang even know my name,tak?
7. Aku dapat sense unsur selfish di sebalik tom yam. (Aku suka tomyam ayam lah!)
8. Aku rasa better untuk plan event lain.

So I did.Dalam masa less than a week,tanpa perlu create event page/RSVP kat FB,aku berjaya ajak kawan real aku untuk turun Perlis dan....pergi joli!

Aku sumpah tak zealous gathering korang,sebab aku ada mereka mereka yang lebih double tripple better. Tak rigid, tak plastic, dan tak lari waktu susah.

Ouch?

Gua Kelam,Perlis.

• Good points- abang jaga parking fooled,views lawa bhai!,stream-breath-taking
• Minus points- Gua tak buka lagi due banjir,none hot guys.

Taman Ular & Reptilia,Batu Pahat,Perlis.

• Good points-Ada abang handsome jual aiskrim,monyets adorkable.
• Minus points- SNAKES.yucksyucks!,fee bapak lah tak reasonable,boring,not updated.

Yahoo! Karaoke,Kangar

Sila tengok what happens bila aku high~

ye,aku tak saint mana lah!

• Good points- First time aku karok!yeeha,u guys rock!,Chal belanja <3
• Minus points-Lagu tak banyak,abang gatal.

Korang,don't take it personally,jyeahhh?

Anyhoos,this is how it's done ;)

Boleh maki hamun di ruang komen.Gossip belakang,cap ayam lah weh.

Sebab terlampau happy,gelak tak berhenti all the way dalam kereta,

tengok muka aku bercahaya!HAHA