Sunday, November 13, 2011

Same old shit.

Before this, I was okay though I keep on complaining every now and then about not having a boyfriend or keeping my single friends from getting into a relationship so they won't leave me forever alone. But I was okay. Kinda close to perfectly fine and  near to the corner of comfort. But the thing is I was okay. and to be able to say I was okay is priceless and now something somehow starting to bother me. If it was another girl, this is supposed to be all sweet and dovey-shit but I ain't another girl. My stupid insecurities, mad paranoia and every inch of my nebula-sized mess is going up against me. Even the slightest move can ruins everything. Absolutely everything. 

I always hate this part of me, the weak part of me. GOD,Fynn you're being such pain in the ass right now. Please please,you can stop reading by now. Because I had a vision that I'm about to blurt everything out like moron anytime soon. Excuse my insensitivity about having some privacy or whatever society tends to judge these days. I tried talking to friends but it's not working. Not that I don't trust them but me,constantly talking about this trying to find out what to do,how to do and everything just scared my sanity away. Their positive advises and sky-high motivation is not what I crave for. I want reality, I want support system that will tell me to stop and to give up that funny thing called hope. Or try make things right. or at least, lead my mind back to its old place. Where I believe, it belongs.

Maybe I'm just scared that for once there is actually people who wants to be with me. Scared that maybe there is actually someone who would love me. Because the idea of someone liking me is too scary that I came out with billions of mind-killing excuses in order to walk away. I over analyze things too much. I'm just afraid to let my guard down. I can't because once I rest my shield, he'll leave. People always leave.

I need more. I need him to prove me trust. and determination. which I can say,too vague at the moment.