Relationship?NOT for me.

2012 menandakan (kejap nak kira) masuk 4 tahun solid aku single *insert forced smiley face*. Meaning to say, lagi 2-3 bulan aku dah boleh buat sambutan genap 5 tahun.Hip hip hooray!

Tau apa yg paling sad when you are boyfriend-less? It's every time you meet new people and they decided to ask you about your non existence boyfriend and when you replied 'I don't have one,' they laugh in disbelief and accuse you of lying. Every time that happen I really really want to punch them in the face.I'm 21 you asshole, I don't keep my status a secret like a highschooler. Tau what is the next sad thing when you are boyfriend-less? It's when you gather with your best friends and everyone of them is in a relationship and they show you pictures, share relationship tips behind your back and even non stop texting or calling around you. That's like rubbing dirt on your wound. and those are just 40 percent of what I had to deal with everyday in my single life as a 21 years old.

Sampai at one point of my life, I started to think what is wrong with me? Sebab almost everyone at this age is already taken or at least have met someone they like or like them back but not me.Okay,this is not supposed to be a sad,pity seeking post but why the hell my eyes are all watery?

So I look at myself and come out with few reasoning. First, I think it was my face. But that could not be it since even someone uglier than me could score more than 1 boyfriends. and I manage to get some head turns sometimes and that shameless annoying 'phewwit' sounds. And I have someone said to my face that I'm pretty(this is not bragging its for making myself feel better). So,not it.

My problem is,when a guy like me I don't always like him back. Like this one guy I'm holding as baggage, named Mr M.He's alright,I guess?But the spark is not there.I know people say the sparks are just made up story and stupid but for me,the chemistry is everything. You could have a perfect guy standing before your eyes but when you both talk and there's no connection between you, sekaya mana, sekacak mana pun tak pandang punya.kan?

Another problem is, when I've finally found a guy who likes me and we got that sparks and all, at some point, he started to retreat. You can see that he obviously notice that you want him but keep you guessing and waiting. This kind of guy? if he isn't shy he is not a keeper. Why? While keeping you waiting, he actually surveying another girl in case he'll stumble upon someone who is better than you. and being a second choice or a paking spare part is not included in my tolerance kit.

I've watch my friends yang in relationships semua and I hate it what they've become. Ikut every words yg their boyfriend said, can't even berenggang to spend time with friends and being all cheesy all the time. Not to my interest. Well, I know those are pretty normal if you're head over heels over some dude but I can't afford that.I don't want to be that.

I remembered making doa to God not to meet me with my soulmate till I'm ready. Chances are, He heard me. At times, I wish I could undo the doa but most of the time I'm glad if it was really granted.Why?

Because I'm one of the foolish girls who would give everything when I'm in a relationship. Being with someone we love will make us better in every way like when you have a boyfriend you might do well in your study since you're always happy but not me. I'm the type of girl that if I'm in a relationship, I started to ignore everything, be bad at everything because all I could think of is that person. A love life would ruin the rest of my life. I guess there is people who was born to be alone. Because I have to choose. How could I sacrifice everything for unsure love? I can't.

"Nevermind, maybe you haven't met the one yet" is what I've been hearing setiap kali aku mengadu about not having one. Yes, tak salah alasan tu,but bagi aku if it's correct why aku tak feel better? Feel me,bruh? When you give an advice, you're suppose to include 'it's alright' feels to it and provide encouragement words plus some hope. See,simple.

So,I told myself it is something that is true and will happen.just not to me. Things will happen,but not to me. I set my standard to damn high because I strongly believe I worth that much and I won't ever settle for less,won't ever. Even if it's mean I have to live alone all my life,so be it.

From the bottom of my heart.

This is for the people who make this semester the shit-test ever so far.

For making it hard on me,

for messing with my life,

for making me suffer for your mistakes,
for using me,
for your ugly double faced,

for making me the bad guy,

and most of all

for every oxygen you breathe,

well you know what?

FUCK YOU.

I hope you'll get hit by a plane,cunts.

Go away,my never lover.

I should have done this post a year ago when I first got to know you,when I was madly in love with you. Now, things are messy, I can't undo the feeling I had for you, I can't undo bad choices I've made, I can't erase all the memories I had and I can't move forward either. Remember that one time I didn't pick up your calls anymore?I ignored your texts but you never ask why. That was me trying to put everything off between us because  finally I have fallen for you.Fallen for a guy who keeps toying with my feeling, making me think that finally here come some dude who thinks I'm pretty enough,I'm fun enough,despite my friends telling me how unworthy of me to be loved. Despite it all, you gave me hope, you had me let my guard off, got me doing everything just to make sure that you'll see I'll make a great girlfriend for you. I even went out late at night to help you so you'd know I'll be there during hard times. But after a while, I think to myself,where is this going? I'd like to assume that you like me since you've ask my phone number and even told me that you're flirting with me. But I guess you don't like me enough to even ask me on a date. The problem is, you keeps on texting me everyday, calling me most nights and that made me feel uneasy. I'm one old fashioned girl,so according to what we were doing back then, normal friends just don't do that. I tried all the silly trick us girls are familiar with like trying to make you jealous, trying to make you feel like if you don't get me fast enough some other man would and the result is negative. According to logic, I should have flew away by then but you keep pulling me back with your sweet words and vague promises. So one day, I come up with a conclusion that you just want to keep me around until you find someone better, or I'm just an option for you or you wanted to make me your girl but I'm just not pretty enough or that I didn't get the approval from your friends. Whatever it is, I know it's time to leave since I can't do anything without you popping into my mind and got me sad. I was depressed,even more depressed during the phrase when I ignored your calls,texts and all. But I manage to get through. Like for a while, I manage to forget you and all the feelings I had for you. I could talk to you like we're friends. Like all the feelings I had for you is gone and I was happy. Until few weeks ago,you decided to call me again. then we talked and I fall in love with you again. You made promises like taking me to your home, wanting to see me again, saying I'm pretty and everything. How could my heart tell you no?How? All I wanted to hear is 'Fynn,I like you and I want you to be mine'. That is all but nothing. You keep me guessing again, you make me confused all over again. I'm sorry but this is not a relationship I want. You should be fine without me considering the amount of girls you're flirting with on twitter and facebook,you'll be alright not bothering me anymore,right? I shut you off once and you came back now I really really want you to go.and please I'm begging you don't ever come back again.

Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street

Faster than the wind

Passionate as sin, ended so suddenly

Loving him is like trying to change your mind

Once you’re already flying through the free fall

Like the colors in autumn

So bright just before they lose it all

Mika the hedgehog!

He's cute, he's adorable, he's cuddly and I love him to death.

Beauty or beast?

I'm so insecure with my looks that whenever anyone compliment me by saying I'm cute or pretty I think they've got a wrong person or they were lying.

The book of Fynn.

I do notice people are holding back, looking at me with questions in their mind,scared to approach me and ask me nicely. Few days went on, I chose to ignore, now weeks gone and it didn't stop. I feel the need to speak out and explain to everyone what's actually happening but really, what's the point? It's not like I'm a significant figure or something and if I do matter, any of you would have come up to me and ask me nicely.nicely.and appropriately.One does not simply ask a private question to a person in public, ladies and gents. and if I answer, you don't go bash me again, convicting me until my reasons sounded so stupid that I feel like I'm actually making up excuses and when you demand further explanation I was like 'oh what the hell~'.

So,here's some clarifications on some issues regarding me which I think some of you had already entered judgment against me. So, basically this is some sort of counter claim from me or some shit,you got me?Uh huh. I just used the legal term to make it more viable.lol.not funny?okayy

1. Oh poor you lonely, Fynn going to class all alone and all.

This is just sad.Not like sad that I'm gonna cry it's more to what the hell is wrong with your way of thinking? This sem I didn't get in the same class with Izza and Kak Long and people, it does not mean that I was left alone without any friends neither does it means I'm pitiful to the extend that several of you can come up to me and say 'kesiannya kau kena tinggal sorang' right to my face. Not that I'm saying I'm better off without them but I'm a singular not a triplets. They're my friends and we are close before and I really am thankful for the blessing of their friendships but I really hate to be seen as a person who can't live on my own without the same friends following me around campus,pursuing almost the same things for everything everyday(don't read it the wrong way). Please accept that I'm the kind of person who'd rather be friend with everyone than be close to some and remain in that same circle. It's not them,it's me. I can't conform to your norm just because it's what people have been doing. I'd love to live my life my own way, that's all. Let me walk around by myself without that 'oh kesiannya' looks in your eyes please friends.

2. So,you quit SCLC and abandoned all you friends just like that?

*smiley face* Yes, I'm a selfish bastard who puts myself first and my desires before everything else. and I'm sorry.

or if you think you're going to believe me if I say my result for last semester nearly chocked me to death so I'm afraid that I'll let my parents down again and I can't really cope with the activities(not that I don't like it) so I left SCLC entirely. Did I abandoned my friends? I left SCLC, total blackout, so things get kinda awkward between us, assumptions, things left unsaid, me not wanting to deal with it, so here we are. For those who are affected(which I doubt there are many), from the bottom of my heart I'm really sorry. I dare did this because I know, without me you guys can still do well.See, didn't I prove I'm right? ;)

Either one,your choice.

3.Bestfriends.

To clear things out, you must know who they are. First, those who I had in hometown,my primary school bff. Then, my high school bestfriends whom I do satanic things with during old jahilliah time. We got caught for not going to prep together, we've been tortured,bullied and scolded by the same seniors, we did the same things to our juniors, we witnessed creepy hostel stuffs together, we eat and sleep and shower and study for over than 5 years together. I couldn't lose them for whatever reason no matter how much we fights and hated each other. and my university friends. I got to know them during my foundation time,during the time when I think I'm all alone in this world, Allah sent them to me. But then life get in a way, they got sent to another world. We were fine until now. I want to fix this,I really do but things are hard on me these days. I can't even think straight. I don't know, keeping people around is not my expertise.

So,those who are not listed,they're not my bff. They're just friends or close friends I share secrets and passions with but not those I'll take a bullet for. Not discriminating, just stating.

*I should get everything I had going on inside my head printed on pamphlets,books or some shit because nowadays some people think I only live and be friends with the same people in the same circle. and it annoyed me at first but now it just become intolerable. It's only had been like what? 2/3 months since this semester started but it's like half life. So,more curiousity?ask,anonymously or whatever I don't mind just stop your specualtions. Do spread this around, I just wanna stop answering the same question over and over.

The only sense that I could make

If I never get back to you anymore,

If I don't bother to explain anything any longer,

If you said I've changed.

Lumos!

As you can see,I now have my new header on and I'm ecstatic to start writing again. It's been a while and I really miss being here talking to myself and all. Even though I'll be on my semester break till September but at the same time, I have to do my attachment at the court near my hometown for the whole month. It only had been three days and I can assure you that August gonna be vain. But one of my classmates already do the math and seems like I only have to work for 18 days? Which means, another 15 hellalicious days to go.*tying the noose*.I'd be willing to surrender merdeka celebration or even raya so long as I don't have to go back to that boring place ever again.

Good news!I've got myself a new catgriff. What is that? Half cat, half hippogriff. Introducinggg *skrillex blender sounds* Foxy! because Buckbeads is only for those with the wings. (don't get it?it's HarryPotter joke)

Anyway,what'd you think of the new header?Cool,huh?What,gimme some credit.I spent two days playing dummy at photoshopping for that. It's basically about me berangan to be a batgirl slash badgirl from time to time. Batman and Robin? They're just jealous. Also, the results are out andddd I don't wanna talk about it. So,until then.

SELAMAT BERPUASA :)

Half way there!

Second year in law school was no joke *serious face*. Been busy as hell,as you can see.Don't even have time to update my blog. I only have 4 final paper but all four are killer subjects. Folks, I spent  almost every nights of the study week at the library(ptar) and when that happen(me going to the library), it is a serious matter. There's a high probability that I'm gonna have to re-seat 1 or maybe 2 papers unless some miracle decided to butt in. Which in this case,I'm on my knees.  

 Here's some of my haggard faces during the tortures period.

See,close to tears.

 Most pictures were taken at 2-3 am.yeah,AM.

Now that it finally ended, please tell me a regain my shine back? :(

I am still in shah alam and will be back in few days,maybe on monday. Yes, I am excited about semester break, ramadhan, raya and all but the one month attachment, I'm not sure about that. Please Lord, don't let it be dreadful. Oh, did I mention that one of my bestfriends is going to get engaged this September?No? Well, she is and I am 20% happy and 80% depressed. Why, I shall tell about it later.Until then,keep wondering ;)

Because I'm weird like that.

Been going to the library for the last few days and it was awesome. Turns out,I love having a me time to the max. When I'm at the library, I feel so relaxed like I don't have anything else to think of.It's like,for a second, I can get everything off my chest. I went there right after maghrib and often stayed up to 3-5 in the morning. When I'm too tired of reading, I went out for a walk and yes,by myself. Somehow, something that is supposed to be awkward,shameful and scary able to put a smile on my face. I Don't know what is it but everytime I'm alone by myself, I'm at peace *smiley face* 

If you want to change,change.

"Aku nak berubah"

"Mungkin dah tiba masa untuk aku berubah?"

Dua kenyataan yg menggunakan satu perkataan yg sama tapi mempunyai kekuatan yg jauh berbeza.These days, I keeps on listening to a lot of close friends, not so close friends and even from strangers that they wanted to change. I say,if the change is for th good then by all means,carry on. 

"Entah bila lah aku nak ada kekuatan untuk berubah", they replied.

So I wait.A day has passed,then a week, then a month. Sigh. Aku cuba berfikiran positif,mungkin kekuatan yg di cari tu belum lagi dijumpai. Persoalannya, boleh ke kita jumpa sesuatu tanpa mencari terlebih dahulu? 

Aku sendiri tak sempurna. Tutup aurat pun taklah sepenuhnya. Tapi aku cuba. Dan bila aku cuba,aku lakukan demi Allah yg Maha Esa. Orang lain mula pandang aneh, mula mengusik, mempersoal. Bila aku sampaikan hasrat untuk berpuasa sunat,aku digelakkan. Bila aku mula melabuhkan tudung, lagi aku dipersoal.So I think to myself. What have I done so wrong that they question me whenever I try to do extra ibadah like puasat sunat and even laughed at my face when I say I want to recite the Quran. Several times,no scratch that.A lot of times,I tried to get closer to Allah but all these people around me makes me believe that I am not that kind of person who does all that. Until one day, Wardah, a real close friend of mine say,

Wardah:"Syafina,hang kena lagi kuat kalau nak berubah ni.Cuba fikir,dalam hati tu pun org boleh baca ke?"

Me:"Dok"

Wardah:"So,kalau dalam hati hg kata A.bila org lain cakap jawapan hang B,jawapan hang tetap A,betui dok?"

Aku terdiam.Ni jawapan yg aku tunggu selama ni.Ni kawan yg aku tunggu selama ni.Terima kasih. So,hanya sebab orang lain yg menghakimi, adakah kita nak berhenti dari perubahan ni dan setuju bahawa mereka lg kenal siapa kita dari kita sendiri? This is a war between you and your nafs. Ini perjuangan kita sendiri. dan bak kata Gwang Soo,

"Di alam perjuangan ini tiada ketakutan.

Di alam perjuangan ini,

Hanya ada keberanian dan kasih sayang." 

Last weekend.

Been real busy over the weekend.like I was home to sleep and right after I woke up, more programs.it was tiresome but never a regret.why?

This is what I was doing all friday long: Pertubuhan Anak-anak Yatim Jasin,Melaka.

So,this is my group.Sesusah mana pun adik-adik ni,I will never blame them,maybe I'm not a good enough fasi. But I'm definitely learning and love them sooo much that I almost adopt a brother that day.

Saturday: Kemahiran Insaniah Modul from 8 to 5.Then meeting up to 7.

Sunday: Kursus Asas Fasilitator (8-6)

What a hectic weekend.I cried, I laughed, I did almost everything but above all I've learn a lot.Not from books but from the world. Thankyou Allah,simply for everything :)

Happy pills.

Sem 3:This is me trying.

Ingat lagi dua tahun dulu.That time when UPU's result was out and I didn't get any offer because of some technical defects and I kind of mourn every second of my life.I didn't quite remember how much I cried or how much heartaches I have to endure but what I've remember from back then was I promised myself, once I'm on board,I'll do anything to succeed 'cuz I have something to prove.Last two semester was hard,real hard.So much troubles;friends,houses,conflicts,drama,results.Semester 2 was the worst.Bila teringat result exam masa tu I thought that was it.They were right,and I was wrong.I'm not made for law school,that I'm too stupid to get on and that time I thought I was going to surrender.Keputusan memang nasty-ly teruk and what make it worse, seniors going on about 'susah nak improve gpa once dah teruk and everything', ramai orang kena repeat this and that subjects, in law school repeat tu is a norm lah and frankly,I believed them.I was down,since then I look down upon myself,I lost any form of confidence left in me but then I think to myself; 'If you are going to fail,fail trying.'.That way, when someone harass me with judgmental critics I could say at least I've done everything I could and not blame it all on the world.So, semester 3. I got friends with the awesomest creatures I could ever ask for, I still woke up late,skipped classes, pandang BEL sebelah mata,messed up my heart,but I keep the interest going.I know somewhere in me that I'm just an ordinary average not genius but I stay.and I learn.So,last 22 February was the result day.People were going crazy about it on tweeter and facebook but not me.Until,few hours ago.

Alhamdulillah.

Gladly,I PASS!freaking pass!all the subjects.

and 3 pointer.whaddap!

and I got some As though it was elective,and such but still.

Unfortunately for me,not a dean list this time neither.(DL students dont skip class like me or neither belajar one sem subject in 2 days)

But I improved hella lot in my GPA.

and I'm satisfied and thankful enough :)

No,this is not for my bragging food.You're missing the point.I've got totally zero to brag about.Others had done so so much much better than me.and whaddaya know,it's baru sem 3,sweetheart. I've put this not so pretty result up here is for those who thought they're just a bunch of average losers yang survive basedly sebab luck.This is for those who once dreams on taking over the world but end up empty handed and this is for those who are just like me.Listen, at one point or another in life, you will get this tragic flings that made you think you're a worthless piece of shit and that you're just supporting actor and there are no room to shine.You try,you fail,you try again,you fail again but failing should not be able to stop you from trying.It's what its job and your job is to keep on trying until finally a new script is handed to you and your name was on top of the cast.My advice, if you're too tired of trying you just stay where you are,no movement,do nothing that's alright but never once give up.Because if you notice, good things tend to happens when all the hope is gone,isn't it?Now turn that frown upside down and walk with grace :)

My mistake,sir.

"I did something stupid".

"What?"

"I thought you'd be different"

Living life like a boss!

I sucks at intro so, yep me not planning on any. But before that, do I need to remind you I've been away from writing(no not writing, I do writing all the time.hey, I'm one of those girls who still keep a diary,fyi).The term is, blogging.I've been away from blogging for quite a long time now,didn't I? So,this is me making a comeback after the long hiatus(it always sounded so cool this way) and hopefully, able to feed those hungry stalkers of mine?(well,what do you mean by if I had any?pfft).Too long for an intro but whatever, I'll be writing on what's happening on my life for the past me missing in action(MIA) and what is clouding up my mind recently.So, bare with me, what do you expect?I have to cover the three months entry into one post.Long is what you should be expecting!

Let's start with the third semester in my awesome and lively NOT law school of mine.

Ever heard of mak cik pak cik going over how hard law school is going to be?Well, booyah it's nothing but the truth. We law student can't seem to stop whining about why are we here taking law major, why there's no bloody fool who ask for our hand in marriage yet, or why do I have to be a law student at all.Ya know, those regretting whines that lead you to nowhere but some more whines? Here let me give you a closer look.

Due to SCLC's(the club that I join) programs, I've been quite a bee this semester. Most unforgettable moment is when we conducted a program at a middle school.and how do kiddos work with me?Not well.Everybody knows that.so why did I go?Suicide mission,obviously.But hey,for some reasons, I'm still kicking and there's no murder there(at least for now).Phewww.Point is, kiddos starting to acknowledge my existence and I'm closer to being all wifey type now.This is what I've been telling you about. Me,being a law student. Mental.

Can't believe how good they behave in photos.pfft

Kak long's car wash program.

Jyeah,she's the only one loving law.haha

Fast forward to final exam.All study week long, nescafe or white coffee or McD's brewed coffee had been my legal drugs which kept me awake. Most of us didn't sleep well enough since we have to learn a one semester subject all in two or if we're lucky enough 3 days.Yikes, I know. But when you're in university, that's pretty normal and now I have the thought that what's the point of going to class if I can learn everything in less than a week?You mad? I have this subject that I only attend not more than 5 classes for the whole semester and I'm dead worried about the result.Nahh,kidding. I'm pretty much satisfied that I actually manage to answer the paper. Of course no A is guaranteed but hey, I did pretty good there. and...not to forget my Moral and Ethics subject. I went to lectures, do one time presentation and in every class I rudely scrolling on Tumblr but when it comes to final exam, it surprised me that I'm able to memorize hadith like, we're talking real hadith here,people!So I guess, I deserve some tabik or something?HAHA. Fine,fine,sorry. I didn't meant to brag just joking and obviously it ain't funny but truth be told, please please I just need to pass the papers and at least maintain the 3 pointer. Mann,law is pain in the ass. You, who plans on taking this path,save yourself!

My classmates,despite some of the immature sheeps(just that one sheep) and annoying people they are the best.Like seriously seriously the best.

the ugly truth of me not fitting in law.period

I just can't get over A'a's boobies cuppies :D

Oh oh,did I mention I went to the palace?No?Well, here goes

I will never understand the rich.purr

Then the Revive,obesity thingy~

Not winning in fact, disqualified instead but hella proud.Aumm!

Well,it's a matter of how you looks at thing,right? :)

Moving on.This sem,I've got a new house(as a tenant,of course). Plus some new coolest hommies ever! So, since Kak Long and Shella is from Sarawak, we thought it'd be great to throw a house warming party and serve laksa sarawak. It went well, I guess?The foods yums yums yums.If I were a boy,I wanna marry my hommies.

Why do I have to look brilliantly stupid in this photo?

I love this photo simply cuz I look like a thug.problem?

So,we had this crazy idea back then.Ya know, Genting.

Them all.Izza,Sherry,Shel and kak long.

*clap clap*

Not going to put all up.You have my facebook for that.What else eh?OH. As I goes along, I got to know new people. Great people in fact.

and sticking with the old flames.the best ever.

and so.the end.lol, you know I'm kidding,right?It's just it's maghrib and I'm hungry. So,I'm lazy now. too lazy to think.So,there you have it. The summary version of what happened during my MIA. Dah,puas catch up? ADIOS la viosa,my amore!(I don't know what the hell does that mean.whatever)

Living life like a lao sai!(go ahead google it dumbass)