Monday, October 29, 2012

Go away,my never lover.

I should have done this post a year ago when I first got to know you,when I was madly in love with you. Now, things are messy, I can't undo the feeling I had for you, I can't undo bad choices I've made, I can't erase all the memories I had and I can't move forward either. Remember that one time I didn't pick up your calls anymore?I ignored your texts but you never ask why. That was me trying to put everything off between us because  finally I have fallen for you.Fallen for a guy who keeps toying with my feeling, making me think that finally here come some dude who thinks I'm pretty enough,I'm fun enough,despite my friends telling me how unworthy of me to be loved. Despite it all, you gave me hope, you had me let my guard off, got me doing everything just to make sure that you'll see I'll make a great girlfriend for you. I even went out late at night to help you so you'd know I'll be there during hard times. But after a while, I think to myself,where is this going? I'd like to assume that you like me since you've ask my phone number and even told me that you're flirting with me. But I guess you don't like me enough to even ask me on a date. The problem is, you keeps on texting me everyday, calling me most nights and that made me feel uneasy. I'm one old fashioned girl,so according to what we were doing back then, normal friends just don't do that. I tried all the silly trick us girls are familiar with like trying to make you jealous, trying to make you feel like if you don't get me fast enough some other man would and the result is negative. According to logic, I should have flew away by then but you keep pulling me back with your sweet words and vague promises. So one day, I come up with a conclusion that you just want to keep me around until you find someone better, or I'm just an option for you or you wanted to make me your girl but I'm just not pretty enough or that I didn't get the approval from your friends. Whatever it is, I know it's time to leave since I can't do anything without you popping into my mind and got me sad. I was depressed,even more depressed during the phrase when I ignored your calls,texts and all. But I manage to get through. Like for a while, I manage to forget you and all the feelings I had for you. I could talk to you like we're friends. Like all the feelings I had for you is gone and I was happy. Until few weeks ago,you decided to call me again. then we talked and I fall in love with you again. You made promises like taking me to your home, wanting to see me again, saying I'm pretty and everything. How could my heart tell you no?How? All I wanted to hear is 'Fynn,I like you and I want you to be mine'. That is all but nothing. You keep me guessing again, you make me confused all over again. I'm sorry but this is not a relationship I want. You should be fine without me considering the amount of girls you're flirting with on twitter and facebook,you'll be alright not bothering me anymore,right? I shut you off once and you came back now I really really want you to go.and please I'm begging you don't ever come back again.

Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street
Faster than the wind
Passionate as sin, ended so suddenly
Loving him is like trying to change your mind
Once you’re already flying through the free fall
Like the colors in autumn
So bright just before they lose it all

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Mika the hedgehog!

He's cute, he's adorable, he's cuddly and I love him to death.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Beauty or beast?

I'm so insecure with my looks that whenever anyone compliment me by saying I'm cute or pretty I think they've got a wrong person or they were lying.

Monday, October 15, 2012

The book of Fynn.

I do notice people are holding back, looking at me with questions in their mind,scared to approach me and ask me nicely. Few days went on, I chose to ignore, now weeks gone and it didn't stop. I feel the need to speak out and explain to everyone what's actually happening but really, what's the point? It's not like I'm a significant figure or something and if I do matter, any of you would have come up to me and ask me nicely.nicely.and appropriately.One does not simply ask a private question to a person in public, ladies and gents. and if I answer, you don't go bash me again, convicting me until my reasons sounded so stupid that I feel like I'm actually making up excuses and when you demand further explanation I was like 'oh what the hell~'.

So,here's some clarifications on some issues regarding me which I think some of you had already entered judgment against me. So, basically this is some sort of counter claim from me or some shit,you got me?Uh huh. I just used the legal term to make it more funny?okayy

1. Oh poor you lonely, Fynn going to class all alone and all.
This is just sad.Not like sad that I'm gonna cry it's more to what the hell is wrong with your way of thinking? This sem I didn't get in the same class with Izza and Kak Long and people, it does not mean that I was left alone without any friends neither does it means I'm pitiful to the extend that several of you can come up to me and say 'kesiannya kau kena tinggal sorang' right to my face. Not that I'm saying I'm better off without them but I'm a singular not a triplets. They're my friends and we are close before and I really am thankful for the blessing of their friendships but I really hate to be seen as a person who can't live on my own without the same friends following me around campus,pursuing almost the same things for everything everyday(don't read it the wrong way). Please accept that I'm the kind of person who'd rather be friend with everyone than be close to some and remain in that same circle. It's not them,it's me. I can't conform to your norm just because it's what people have been doing. I'd love to live my life my own way, that's all. Let me walk around by myself without that 'oh kesiannya' looks in your eyes please friends.

2. So,you quit SCLC and abandoned all you friends just like that?
*smiley face* Yes, I'm a selfish bastard who puts myself first and my desires before everything else. and I'm sorry.

or if you think you're going to believe me if I say my result for last semester nearly chocked me to death so I'm afraid that I'll let my parents down again and I can't really cope with the activities(not that I don't like it) so I left SCLC entirely. Did I abandoned my friends? I left SCLC, total blackout, so things get kinda awkward between us, assumptions, things left unsaid, me not wanting to deal with it, so here we are. For those who are affected(which I doubt there are many), from the bottom of my heart I'm really sorry. I dare did this because I know, without me you guys can still do well.See, didn't I prove I'm right? ;)

Either one,your choice.

To clear things out, you must know who they are. First, those who I had in hometown,my primary school bff. Then, my high school bestfriends whom I do satanic things with during old jahilliah time. We got caught for not going to prep together, we've been tortured,bullied and scolded by the same seniors, we did the same things to our juniors, we witnessed creepy hostel stuffs together, we eat and sleep and shower and study for over than 5 years together. I couldn't lose them for whatever reason no matter how much we fights and hated each other. and my university friends. I got to know them during my foundation time,during the time when I think I'm all alone in this world, Allah sent them to me. But then life get in a way, they got sent to another world. We were fine until now. I want to fix this,I really do but things are hard on me these days. I can't even think straight. I don't know, keeping people around is not my expertise.

So,those who are not listed,they're not my bff. They're just friends or close friends I share secrets and passions with but not those I'll take a bullet for. Not discriminating, just stating.

*I should get everything I had going on inside my head printed on pamphlets,books or some shit because nowadays some people think I only live and be friends with the same people in the same circle. and it annoyed me at first but now it just become intolerable. It's only had been like what? 2/3 months since this semester started but it's like half life. So,more curiousity?ask,anonymously or whatever I don't mind just stop your specualtions. Do spread this around, I just wanna stop answering the same question over and over.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

The only sense that I could make

If I never get back to you anymore,
If I don't bother to explain anything any longer,
If you said I've changed.